27 Weeks

3 days until we kick off the 3rd trimester, folks. 3 days.

I sent this to Catch the other day and she told me that I have ruined sex for the rest of my pregnancy because she can’t look at me without thinking about the cats. Hah.

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I am both shocked and terrified at how the weeks are flying by lately, but even more than that, I am just plain grateful to be here with this little one still tucked safely away.

We have a growth scan scheduled for Friday afternoon, so I’m looking forward to seeing this little munchkin. I hope the tech has an easier time seeing her this time. She’s been in a transverse position for several months, but I’m pretty sure that she flipped yesterday based on the location of her kicks. A darn good thing too, because my hips have been KILLING me and I don’t think the fact that baby was using my hip bones to support her personal uterine hammock was helping any.

Here’s this week’s shameless office bathroom bump picture:

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The belly is definitely growing and I’m starting to get a bit uncomfortable, but I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. (Dear Universe: It would be great if it was a small-ish iceberg.) I have this great new thing where if I stand or walk for longer than 10 minutes, my left thigh goes numb. Because that’s not weird or anything. I am really hoping that the issue will be at least somewhat alleviated by baby’s new position.

Aside from that, morning sickness seems to have made a comeback. I’m not throwing up but for the last week or so, I feel nauseous and generally awful until 11 or 12 o’clock. After that, I’m absolutely fine. It’s like it’s true morning sickness this time. It’s kind of throwing me for a loop, but from what I see around the interwebs, this is fairly common. Yay. It would be great if it wasn’t permanent, or if it could at least not get any worse.

I haven’t been working on knitting for baby girl because I was busy knitting for one of the girls at work. Her baby shower was today, and this is what I gave her.

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I think they turned out pretty cute.

Also, the garden is growing! We found our first little tomato the other day, and our carrot seeds have officially sprouted. We totally scaled down the garden this year because of moving and baby, but I’m glad Catch talked me into at least doing a few veggies. The garden always makes me so happy.

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23 Weeks

We reached 23 weeks on Saturday, which is a bit crazy to me. Didn’t I just get pregnant yesterday? When did the weeks stop dragging and start flying?

Baby girl is now about 12 inches from head to toe, and she weighs about a pound. I do not want to know what I weigh at the moment. I had the most intense craving for chocolate just now (probably because I have a horrible headache) and ended up using the work vending machine for only the second time in the 8+ years our office has been here. Even though I clearly don’t make a habit of it, I still wish I didn’t know that damn thing was there. Although I do feel a tiny bit better, so maybe we’ll just consider it highly caloric Tylenol and leave it at that.

Sleep is becoming ridiculous. Between getting up to pee and absolute insomnia between 3 & 5 am, a good night’s sleep is starting to feel like a distant memory. I can handle the bathroom trips, but the insomnia is killing me. Often, it comes along with severe anxiety over some silly thing that feels like the end of the world in the middle of the night, but in the light of day is actually no big deal.

My engagement ring is still on (for now), but my wedding ring came off last week. It’s about a quarter size smaller than my engagement ring, and it was starting to get very uncomfortable by late afternoon. I figured it was time to tuck it away for a while.

I haven’t been feeling well the past couple of days. It’s possible that it’s something I ate, but more likely that it’s some sort of a bug since people seem to be dropping like flies around the office. When I got home yesterday, I was absolutely miserable and I went straight to bed. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself because Catch had to leave to play softball and I didn’t want to be alone, but as I was lying in bed baby girl gave me a few good thumps. It was a perfect reminder that I am anything but alone. She’s always there with me, and vice versa. As anxious as I am to have her on the outside, I sort of love that right now I have her all to myself.

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The baby blanket is coming along. I finally finished with the boring colors and got to start on the pink last night. Right now it reminds me of neapolitan ice cream. I love that it covers my belly as I’m working on it. I look at it and all I can think about is wrapping up our perfect baby girl in this blanket that her mommy made her. Something tells me that it will be getting some pre-baby cuddle time with me once I’m finished with it.

Knitting for Baby

It took two days of jury duty (UGH–jury duty–another story for another day) last week to help me get back into my knitting groove.  As I was flying out the door, I grabbed some needles and some pink cotton yarn and decided I was just going to wing it with a simple baby hat.

It turns out that my math was a bit off on my first attempt, and it’s more of a toddler hat than an infant hat.  It’s very simple, but still cute.

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Once that one was finished, I immediately cast on for hat #2, which actually (loosely) follows a pattern.  I finished this one on my lunch break today, and it’s pretty damn adorable.

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And with that, the baby knitting is officially under way.  I ordered yarn to make her a blanket yesterday.  Now that I’ve started (and finished) a couple of things, MAYBE Catch will let me bring a bit more of my yarn stash in from the garage.  Just one more box, honey?  Please?

Duck, Duck, Goose

I am having a tremendous amount of work-related anxiety and stress—we’re talking sleepless nights, daily headaches, heart palpitations, neck pain and tears. It’s worse than IVF and that’s saying something. I have no idea what I’m going to do about all of it, but something’s gotta give before our embryo transfer next month because I won’t go through that when I already feel like this.

To make matters worse, my iPhone keeps autocorrecting the word “fuck” to “duck.” Sometimes you just need to vent to your wife via text, and you do not need Apple trying to make it PG.

Also, I had an extremely vivid and real dream last night that I was pregnant. We all know how much fun those are.

All of that is a very long way of saying that today really sucks. I am coping with the suckage by obsessively listening to my Harry Potter audiobooks and knitting with a vengeance.

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Over the weekend, I cast on for the Hitchhiker scarf/shawlette with some beautiful variegated turquoise wool yarn that my mother in law brought me from their Route 66 road trip last year. I don’t have the label anymore for some reason, but I remember that it was hand dyed in Taos, NM.  I already love this scarf so much.  I have no idea how I’ll part with it, but I have to because I can’t wear wool.  I know–what kind of knitter can’t wear wool?  This kind, apparently.

Unfortunately, I cannot knit OR listen to Harry Potter at work, so who wants to help me with my resume?

Nerves

We have 6 days until the big blood test. The last week has flown by gracefully, but yesterday, the doubts and obsessiveness started slowly creeping in, and it’s slightly worse today. I’m trying to keep it within reasonable limits, but I’m sure you all know how hard it is to control these thoughts once they begin to surface.

I woke up at 4 this morning and had a miserable time getting back to sleep. When my alarm went off at 6, I was finally in a deep sleep and was awakened from a dream about being at Sea World with Robin Williams. We were having so much fun together that we were talking about planning a trip to Disneyland, too. I’m not even going to begin to try to psychoanalyze that one. Let’s just blame the progesterone for crazy dreams and move on.

Today is baby shower day! Yay! Also: Please shoot me and put me out of my misery.

I did cut myself some slack on the shower front. Instead of having to spend the weekend knitting something for a baby that is (once again) not mine, I pulled something from my stash of already knitted baby hats. I didn’t think I had anything left in the pile that was suitable for a boy (or just neutral), but I had one left.

My latest photographic masterpiece.  I call it, "Baby Hat on Upside Down Mason Jar."  Classy.

My latest photographic masterpiece. I call it, “Baby Hat on Upside Down Mason Jar.” Classy.

Now people better start having some girls. I have three slightly more feminine hats ready to go.

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I’m feeling very blah. The progesterone fallout is kicking my ass, as usual. I’m exhausted and sort of crampy (very mild, but there), plus moody, overly sensitive, and highly emotional. Whee! It’s a roller coaster of FUN.

I’m trying to keep it all in perspective. We are so lucky to be sitting here in this two week wait. We are lucky to have this chance—however remote—that I could be pregnant. I don’t take that for granted. As easy as it is to get caught up in the misery of waiting, I have to remind myself that this comes with the territory. For us, there will never be a pregnancy without these two weeks of speculation. It’s a package deal. With 6 days remaining, I’d better embrace it.

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UPDATE:

I feel like I deserve some kind of baby shower rock star award.  I just perused the baby section at Target ON PURPOSE, and I managed to survive the experience without completely falling apart.  I even picked out footie pajamas.  Giraffe footie pajamas.  And I did not fall over. 

#winningatbabyshowers

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Now I just have to get through the actual shower…

Good Things

  1. Progressive called and my poor car is ready.  $7k worth of damage from the accident a few weeks ago has supposedly been repaired, and I get to turn in my stupid rental car today.  I can’t wait to get rid of that thing!  It had nice amenities (leather, Bluetooth, XM…), but man it drove like crap. 
  2. I finished Rolo’s Christmas stocking, and I’m in love with the damn thing.  Rolo, on the other hand, is less than thrilled.  Photo 2
  3. I finished knitting a beanie for Catch and she LOVES it.  She picked out the yarn while we were in Cambria with the request that I make it long enough to cover her ears and then some.  Success!  I didn’t even bother with a pattern. Photo
  4. We had our first Weight Watchers weigh in on Monday and I lost 5.8 lbs.  I set a hopeful goal of 28 lbs by March—2 lbs a week—so we’ll see how it goes.  So far, so good.  We’ve both been working our asses off (literally.)  It was nice to get my little gold 5 lb star. 🙂 Star
  5. Finally, despite this round of Clomid coursing through my veins, we’ve decided to cancel this cycle.  We think.  I’m holding strong today to the idea that I just want to put all of this on hold until March.  It gives me time to meet with doctors and do further testing to explore the extent of the PCOS, and to hopefully get my body back on the right track.  I feel good about the decision.  Mostly.  It’s a Catch 22 for me.  I’m sad but determined.  I know it’s the right thing to do, but the knowledge that I should be ovulating any day now is certainly weighing on me.  I’m still calling it a good thing.

I hope your day is filled with good things today, too.

Desperately Seeking Change

It’s mid-September and the late afternoon light is changing
from harsh white to more golden yellow. 
When I leave the office in the afternoon, leaves are crunching beneath
my heels.  Traffic is worse with all of
the kids back to school. When I found myself in desperate need of a swim suit
the other day, all the stores had to offer were sweaters and boots. 

The signs of Fall are everywhere, but the weather has yet to
get the hint.  It was over 100 degrees
yesterday—and the day before that—and the day before that.  Our air conditioning has been running
non-stop for weeks along with every fan in the house.

I am so, so tired of it. 
They say that Los Angeles doesn’t have seasons, but they lie.  We do. 
They may not be as extreme as seasons elsewhere, but we see the change
of light and we feel the change of air. 
We just don’t have to worry about ice scrapers and snow boots.  I appreciate that. 

I am a fan of change. 
I love changes in weather—changes in scenery—changes in nail
polish.  I just don’t have the patience
to WAIT for change.  When I am ready for
change to happen, I want it to happen right now.  Yesterday, even. 

I am so tired of waiting. 
This shift of seasons is a metaphor for my whole life, lately.  Hanging in there.  Doing what we can to stay comfortable.  Watching. 
Waiting. 

I had the urge to pick up my knitting needles on Saturday.  Instead of working on some almost-forgotten  work in progress, I grabbed my circular
needles and a ball of something deslightfully squishy, cast on 64 stitches and
was knitting a baby hat before I even realized what I was doing. 

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I have always had a thing for baby hats, but I haven’t
knitted a single one since we decided to start trying back in February.  I just couldn’t do it.  I am tired of knitting tiny, adorable things
for other people to put on their tiny, adorable offspring. 

I'm not sure what will become of this little hat.  Maybe I'll save it for my pregnant cousin's shower.  Maybe I'll save it for my pregnant co-worker's shower.  Maybe if I sleep with it under my pillow, the baby fairy will take it in exchange for an infant.

I am so ready for a change.

On Knitting

I go through phases with my knitting.  Sometimes I'm obsessed, and sometimes I have absolutely no motivation to pick up my needles.  One thing's for certain, though, and that's that I rarely travel without some form of knitting.  It goes on planes, in cars, on camping trips and business trips.  

(Hotel knitting)

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(Camp knitting)

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Frankly, I also knit a heck of a lot more before I discovered the iPhone and iPad, which is pretty shameful.  I read more books then, too.  Hmm.  May need to give that some more thought.

I love yarn. I love needles.  Love knitting bags. I love winding up a ball of new wool on the dining room table with my swift and ball winder. I love everything about knitting except a) projects that I have to pay very, very close attention to and b) finishing.  I HATE weaving in ends.  Hate it.  In fact, I added fringe to my most recently completed scarf just so that I wouldn't have to weave in the ends.  I don't make a habit of this, but still–it happened.  (OK, so it's not quite 100% complete–it still needs blocking.)

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My love affair with knitting tends to be a December-May romance. I prefer knitting in the cooler months.  Once we start hitting the 90s in Southern California, I really can't stand the thought of sitting with a pile of wool in my lap.  And wool is my favorite fiber to knit with, so there we go–needles back in a cupboard until I find myself holed up in an air conditioned hotel or lounging in front of a campfire in the mountains.

I also have a short knitting attention span.  I have never knit a sweater.  Not because I don't posess the skill, but simply because I don't posess the patience.  The shaping, the charts–I just don't have it in me.  I'm perfectly content with my hats, fingerless gloves, scarves and occasional odd bits here and there. 

Actually, those fingerless gloves in that top picture were supposed to be a gift for my MIL two Christmases ago, but they still need a thumb.  Just a thumb.  It would take me no time at all to finish them, but I haven't.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the needles from those gloves are already in use on ANOTHER pair of gloves.

I can't be the only knitter out there who has such an extreme form of knitting ADD, can I?