It’s been 10 days since I added Wellbutrin to my Zoloft regimen to hopefully better control my anxiety. As a reminder, my doctor warned me that the first two weeks on the new medication might see an increase in my anxiety, but that it should settle down after the first two weeks. Although the impact hasn’t been as severe as I anticipated it might be, it’s been severe enough to mess with me.
One day last week, I decided that I’d take a leisurely, lavender-scented bubble bath to help calm my nerves. Instead, the hot water made me feel like I was suffocating, and I had to get out after just a few minutes. So much for that.
I’ve been acting like all is well on the surface, but all is definitely not well. I haven’t done a single bit of schoolwork in a week, and I was behind before that. These are short-term courses (8 weeks), so being so far behind makes it practically impossible to catch up. After a tearful conversation with Catch this morning, I emailed my advisor for advice. Her reply is sitting in my inbox unread, because I’m afraid to open it.
I’m aware that my response to an email is completely ridiculous. What am I afraid of? I’m a grown-ass woman. Even if this academic advisor I’ve never even met is an asshole who tells me my only options are to fail my classes and lose my federal aid, I have certainly survived worse. I don’t know how to explain the paralysis this anxiety causes me. These small-ish obstacles that seem totally unimportant in the big scheme of things become giant monsters inside my head, and no amount of reason or logic will penetrate the fortress they’ve built. I feel like I’m drowning, even though my brain knows damn well we’re not even in the water.
First thing this morning, I sat down and made a list of BIG IMPORTANT THINGS I need to deal with. Things like our medical insurance, finding a job, and dealing with my educational failings this term. The list is helping to hold me accountable, but it’s certainly not foolproof. I’m trying, though. I wish I could say I’m doing my best, but I’m nowhere near my best right now. I really hope these meds sort themselves out soon.