I wish I could find the words to adequately explain this new “stay at home mom” life I have going here. It’s bizarre. I can’t quite get a handle on this lifestyle. I’m really not very good at it, and yet, I wasn’t very good at working full time and having a family, either.
Charlotte goes to school, and once she’s fed, dressed and secured in her classroom, I have the rest of the day to… what, exactly? Yesterday I spent NINETY MINUTES folding and putting away the mountain of laundry that had taken over our guest room bed. I work on the irrigation system in our yard. I do the shopping and run the errands. I tidy the kitchen. Load and unload the dishwasher. It’s so… mindless. Numbing. Strangely anxiety-inducing.
Our house is still a mess. I’m not perfectly coiffed and waiting for my wife with her gin when she gets home from work at the end of the day. The beds aren’t made. The floor is covered in bits of paper and hair clips that the dog chewed up while we were gone last night. Charlotte’s dirty pajamas are on the floor in the den next to the bottle of sunscreen I really need to pick up before the dog eats it.
Honestly, I suck at this. It does not suit me.
Soon, I’ll be working part time for my mom while taking classes full time. I meet with my advisor on Monday morning, and hope to dog we can figure out the financial stuff because this shit is $$$$$. I’m trying to focus on the positives–like them giving me 32 units of transfer credits for my past coursework, which is about 20 more than I thought I would get.
Today, I fight with my former employer because our dental and vision benefits were cancelled in May despite two years of family coverage being a part of my separation agreement. The dog chewed my glasses last night, so I could REALLY use those vision benefits right now. It would also be great if Charlotte’s dentist’s office wasn’t calling us repeatedly because the claim for her visit a few weeks ago was denied. I’m seeing red.
Next on the agenda is lunch with my mom and her friends before we all attend the funeral for this incredible lady. I’ve known Jennifer since I was a little girl. When I was young, she told me that she and I were members of the exclusive SOC Club. SOC = spoiled only children. She ended up working in my office for a few months before I quit, and it was so nice to reconnect and share with her that I’m raising the newest member of the SOC Club. She sang the Ave Maria at my grandmother’s funeral years ago. She died alone at home. Police found her when she hadn’t shown up for work for several days. She was a wonderful, generous woman, and her presence will be missed.
Catch and I are trying to stick to the Keto diet. It sucks and I hate it, but I need to do it. I’m tired of feeling like crap and I know that carbs and my PCOS do not play nicely with each other. We’ve only been at it for a few weeks and there’s a learning curve, but I’m finding it reasonably easy to stick with the program no matter where I am as long as I find creative ways of keeping myself from feeling crazed with cravings for sweet things. I’m mostly managing by keeping extremely dark chocolate on hand. Alcohol is another downfall, but I’m not giving up wine. I don’t drink all that often, but when I want a glass of wine, I want a damn glass of wine.
Overall, I’m just feeling sort of blah these days. Not bad, just… here. Trying to find my way again. Apparently, you can take the girl out of corporate America, but you can’t take the corporate America out of the girl. Not easily, anyway. Especially not after 18 years.