Space (I need Some)

Charlotte’s school closes for two weeks between the end of summer camp and the beginning of “school.” I mean, this is preschool, so it seems a bit ridiculous, but whatever. It gives the teachers a break and gives the school a chance to do some uninterrupted maintenance and repairs. (Last year, the break involved some major parking lot work, a new entry gate and all new flooring–I guess I can suck it up and give them 2 weeks for that.)

Anyway, point being that I knew I had these two weeks on my own with the kiddo and I was really looking forward to it. I had planned to take her all over the place. The beach, the Getty, the Skirball has a Jim Henson exhibit, the zoo… you name it and we were going to do it.

The last day of school before break, I was at a funeral and my dad picked up the kiddo. He was informed that she has a cough. The cough turned into a fever, and we made a trip to the pediatrician. Blazing ear infection. (“Ow wow–yeah, there’s a lot of pus in there.”) Suspected pneumonia. (Crackling in her chest–we didn’t confirm with x-rays because the doc said the antibiotics would be the same as for the ear infection, so we’d just go ahead and kill 2 birds with one stone.) We headed home to drug her and get her some rest. I expected we’d spend the week at home and still be able to have some fun this week.


Saturday was my nana’s funeral (2 funerals in 1 week–it’s been a long month.) She seemed fine. The fever was down. The cough was improving. Still, it was a long, nap-less day. Probably too much for her.

Cut to the 103.5 fever and the second trip to the pediatrician. This time we even did the chest x-rays because the doctor said she didn’t like the way Charlotte’s breathing sounded. We left with clear x-rays, a nebulizer and instructions that if she still has the fever on Friday, we need to come back.

Now we’ve spent another week (mostly) at home. We’re both going stir crazy.

Charlotte is still not herself. The fever comes and goes–it’s really weird. She is pale with dark circles around her eyes. She hasn’t been eating, and all of a sudden she’s so skinny. I am shoving her favorite foods at her at every turn, but it’s still been hit or miss.

Basically, I’ve spent the last 2 weeks with a whiny, grouchy, clingy 3 year old attached to me. I am so over it. She wants nothing to do with anyone but me. It’s causing all kinds of tension and hurt feelings. It’s just out of control. I am sick to death of being the preferred parent and Catch is beside herself that she isn’t the preferred parent. I have spent MAYBE 6 total hours in my own bed since all of this started. I miss my bed. I miss my wife. I miss having ANY time to myself. (Miraculously, I got her to nap and was able to sneak out today–usually I’m stuck there with her and if I try to move she wakes and screams, “SNUGGLE ME!!!!”)

In the midst of all of this, I have applied and been accepted into a communications program, submitted all of the financial aid paperwork, met with an academic advisor, and registered for the classes that start next week. I also managed to put together a 15 minute video slideshow for my nana’s service.

I really need a break. A night away with my wife. A bottle of wine. Adult conversation. A chance to deal with moving my old 401k into an IRA. This kid needs to get healthy FAST. Big Mama is done.



What’s New?

I wish I could find the words to adequately explain this new “stay at home mom” life I have going here. It’s bizarre. I can’t quite get a handle on this lifestyle. I’m really not very good at it, and yet, I wasn’t very good at working full time and having a family, either.

Charlotte goes to school, and once she’s fed, dressed and secured in her classroom, I have the rest of the day to… what, exactly? Yesterday I spent NINETY MINUTES folding and putting away the mountain of laundry that had taken over our guest room bed. I work on the irrigation system in our yard. I do the shopping and run the errands. I tidy the kitchen. Load and unload the dishwasher. It’s so… mindless. Numbing. Strangely anxiety-inducing.

Our house is still a mess. I’m not perfectly coiffed and waiting for my wife with her gin when she gets home from work at the end of the day. The beds aren’t made. The floor is covered in bits of paper and hair clips that the dog chewed up while we were gone last night. Charlotte’s dirty pajamas are on the floor in the den next to the bottle of sunscreen I really need to pick up before the dog eats it.

Honestly, I suck at this. It does not suit me.

Soon, I’ll be working part time for my mom while taking classes full time. I meet with my advisor on Monday morning, and hope to dog we can figure out the financial stuff because this shit is $$$$$. I’m trying to focus on the positives–like them giving me 32 units of transfer credits for my past coursework, which is about 20 more than I thought I would get.

Today, I fight with my former employer because our dental and vision benefits were cancelled in May despite two years of family coverage being a part of my separation agreement. The dog chewed my glasses last night, so I could REALLY use those vision benefits right now. It would also be great if Charlotte’s dentist’s office wasn’t calling us repeatedly because the claim for her visit a few weeks ago was denied. I’m seeing red.

Next on the agenda is lunch with my mom and her friends before we all attend the funeral for this incredible lady. I’ve known Jennifer since I was a little girl. When I was young, she told me that she and I were members of the exclusive SOC Club. SOC = spoiled only children. She ended up working in my office for a few months before I quit, and it was so nice to reconnect and share with her that I’m raising the newest member of the SOC Club. She sang the Ave Maria at my grandmother’s funeral years ago. She died alone at home. Police found her when she hadn’t shown up for work for several days. She was a wonderful, generous woman, and her presence will be missed.

Catch and I are trying to stick to the Keto diet. It sucks and I hate it, but I need to do it. I’m tired of feeling like crap and I know that carbs and my PCOS do not play nicely with each other. We’ve only been at it for a few weeks and there’s a learning curve, but I’m finding it reasonably easy to stick with the program no matter where I am as long as I find creative ways of keeping myself from feeling crazed with cravings for sweet things. I’m mostly managing by keeping extremely dark chocolate on hand. Alcohol is another downfall, but I’m not giving up wine. I don’t drink all that often, but when I want a glass of wine, I want a damn glass of wine.

Overall, I’m just feeling sort of blah these days. Not bad, just… here. Trying to find my way again. Apparently, you can take the girl out of corporate America, but you can’t take the corporate America out of the girl. Not easily, anyway. Especially not after 18 years.