Anxiety Chronicles

By Friday last week, I had reached my breaking point. I wish I could properly explain it, but basically, I had spent the entire week wound up so tightly that I was incapable of functioning. Especially at work. Even my body was feeling the effects. I was tired and sore and so, so, tense. I’ve had a new jaw-clenching/teeth grinding thing lately, and my jaw was killing me.

Friday morning, I was up just early enough that I had time to sit on the patio with Catch and drink a cup of coffee. We talked and I tried to explain how I was feeling. I told her how desperately I needed to go into work and WORK. She said the right things and helped to get me in a better mental place before I walked into my office. I killed it on Friday. I worked so hard, and I felt so accomplished and organized when I walked out of there at the end of the day. It was a turning point.

On Saturday, we put Charlotte down for her nap and I walked over to the Y. As I walked, I downloaded a C25k app on my phone. At the Y, I hopped on a treadmill and completed Day 1. It felt amazing. I have missed running so much. It was incredibly hard, painful, and a bit depressing because I had to work so hard to accomplish what was probably a warm-up 3 years ago, but I did it again on Sunday and it felt even better.

On Monday and Tuesday, I was able to harness that energy and put it to work for me. I had a couple of non-stop days and kicked some serious ass at work. It felt great.

The sun rose this morning and I felt it from the minute I opened my eyes. I was done, but the day hadn’t even started. All that momentum I’d been building came to a crashing halt. Today has been a struggle. Two steps forward, one step back.

Those few clear-headed days are taunting me now. I want them back. Instead, I am going to put on my strongest mom face and pretend that I do not have a crippling anxiety disorder while I attempt to act like a normal human being at Charlotte’s school picnic tonight.

Fake it til you make it. The slogan of struggling moms everywhere.


7 thoughts on “Anxiety Chronicles

  1. I understand this work thing. I’m living it right now. I sit there for 8 hours and hate myself that I’m not doing anything, yet I can’t seem to bring myself to do anything. I just keep getting lower and lower into that hole and it’s fucking awful. I also know the feeling of the occasional productive day that can do wonders for mental health! Hoping I have one of those today. And you too.

    Those pics from Charlotte’s school party were amazing! That school goes all out – what an incredible place!

    • SO MUCH SOLIDARITY, Lindsay. It is so hard. I came in this morning determined to knock it out of the park today, but then I got an email that made me totally shut down. I’m giving myself a few minutes to regroup and finish my coffee and then I’m going to try to start the day again. Hope you’re having a good day today and that you get that productivity high. 🙂

  2. Fake it until you make it is totally my motto! You have got this. It is hard ass work we are doing but you will get it. You have seen and know what it looks like. You are a strong woman, wife and momma!

  3. Oh, I’m so sorry. I have so many struggles with finding the motivation or whatever it is to get work done. I have some lovely combo of depression, anxiety and ADHD that just cripples me some days. Each of them individually seems to be mild, but together, I struggle so much. I hope you feel better. Kudos for all the work you are doing, to keep trying, keep adding and subtracting and doing all you can to find what works for you and for communicating with your wife. It is huge that you have the strength to ask for help, try new things, forgive bad habits and just keep moving forward. The act of saying I need help alone is immense! I believe it will get better, you will find what works for you. Best of luck.

  4. I used to love running before my back got all messed up; I found it to be so therapeutic. I know anxiety can be really tough. I would be kind to yourself and take baby steps. Celebrate the little victories! I am sending you good vibes and I hope you feel better. – Em

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