I thought I might be having a breakthrough on the anxiety front when I managed to pull off Charlotte’s birthday party while my in-laws were staying with us without completely losing my mind. In hindsight, I think maybe I was feeling better because I was off work for 10 days.
My staycation ended as Charlotte’s first week of full time school began, and I am a wreck. I have basically been mentally curled into a fetal position all day at work for the last 4 days. I am trying SO HARD to get my shit together, but it’s just not happening. I have zero ability to focus. I am sitting here silently reprimanding myself and willing myself to do something—anything—and it’s basically getting me nowhere. This cannot be normal.
Fortunately, I had a check-in phone call scheduled with my doctor for this afternoon. I told her what’s up, and she suggested we go ahead and double my dose. With any luck, that’s going to do the trick. She asked me to check in with her again in a few weeks and mentioned that there are other drugs we can try, but she’s hoping we’ll find my sweet spot on Zoloft because in her words, “it’s usually particularly effective for young women.” Young women. Hah. I thanked her for calling me young and she told me we’re the same age (36), so young women it is.
I’ve really been struggling to understand why Charlotte being in school all day has created so much chaos in my brain when it’s actually going pretty well. I do not need to be stressing about this. I’m not saying the transition has been perfect for her, but there is absolutely no need for my brain to be in panic mode. She is being cared for by the nicest people in a wonderful facility that is total nirvana for my kid. Animals, sunshine, swimming, dirt, music—I mean seriously, if I could have designed a custom school for Charlotte, this would have been my design. I have NOTHING to worry about. I can say with 100% confidence that once we work through the minor kinks that have arisen, everything is going to be totally wonderful. So it would be great if I could just chill. Seriously.
This shit is hard, folks.
Hound Mamas 
I have to say Little MPB’s first 2 weeks of daycare were probably some of my hardest days as a parent. Like you, I knew he was in the right spot, but I was so incredibly petrified we were making the wrong decision and he wouldn’t be okay and we wouldn’t be okay. It was HORRIBLE. Now, 6 months later, I’m okay with daycare. In fact, I love how much he loves it. And I love all the artwork that they send home and the photos I get of him sporadically throughout the day. Maybe you’ll have the same type of experience?
Either way, I desperately hope you find the Zoloft sweet spot and your anxiety lessons and you generally start to feel better. Sending so much love my friend.
Ugh, so proud of you for doing such hard work! Sometimes (all the times?) our mama emotions make NO sense and are very illogical. That doesn’t mean they aren’t real. I occasionally have panicky days about my daughter when she’s with the nanny and it’s just a random Tuesday…no logic. Not that I’m comparing that to your struggle, just saying I hear ya. Hang in there. Be proud of yourself for working to find a way out!
Agree with Caitlin about mama emotions, and that plus clinical anxiety is no joke. I hope the new dose helps, and I also wanted to thank you because reading that you went on Zoloft helped prompt me to talk to my doc about going back on meds as well. Thanks for helping me take care of myself.
I’m sorry you’re in a tough space… I hope that the meds and/or time help you to get back to your normal soon! But anxiety aside, I anticipate being pretty much useless for the first little while of daycare too.
Letting go in any way can be hard, and I think when it comes to a fundamental shift with our kids, it’s crazy hard even if it’s totally normal.
When I sent Thatcher out to soccer practice, I held my breath the whole time AND I WAS THERE because I just kept thinking, if something happens, if someone says something, if he falls down, if he gets embarrassed, if he hates it, and my mind was spinning and it all ended up being fine. It was fine every single time, but it took me seeing it for extended periods to feel like, okay, he’s okay.
Also, I’m really inspired both by your openness about your emotions and this journey you are on to heal yourself. I think it’s incredibly brave, friend.