I went to the doctor yesterday.
A few months ago, I started having heart palpitations. They were annoying, but usually pretty fleeting and I ignored them for a while. Over the last few weeks, it reached a point where I couldn’t ignore them anymore. They were happening all the time, but were particularly bad in the evenings and when I was trying to fall asleep. It was incredibly uncomfortable and honestly a bit scary.
My gut was telling me it was anxiety-related. I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure at work and things just aren’t great. It’s really been taking a toll on me mentally and physically. So, off to the doctor I went, prepared for her to send me home with a prescription that would solve all of my problems.
That didn’t happen.
What did happen was a bunch of lab work, an EKG, and a long conversation about some concerns I had about going on an anti-depressant based on some past experience. We went back and forth for a while, and decided that pending the results of the tests, she wants me to spend the next 4 weeks focusing on sleep and exercise to see whether I can get this under control without drugs. We already have a phone consult scheduled for 4 weeks from yesterday.
The technician who did my EKG captured a few of the milder palpitations, so I was glad they could at least see that I wasn’t imagining things.
My thyroid, CBC, electrolytes, and A1C all came back normal (A1C was the very high end of normal—we’ll see what the doctor says about it). My cholesterol result, on the other hand, was out of this universe high. Like, it’s scaring me just thinking about it. Heart disease runs rampant on my mom’s side of the family. My grandfather died of a massive heart attack at 54. My uncle had a quadruple bypass two years ago. My other uncle is diabetic. My mom has been on cholesterol meds for years, and had heart problems last summer.
So basically, I went to the doctor to get my anxiety under control and instead I have even more to be anxious about. My doctor hasn’t yet called to discuss the cholesterol results, but I expect the call is coming sometime today. I will have to force myself to pick up the phone and listen while I hang my head in shame and silently badger myself for letting this happen.
The thing is that I did SO well with diet and exercise when I was trying to get pregnant. I was totally rocking it. I felt amazing. You would think that now that I have this beautiful little girl in my life, the motivation to get back to that place would be strong. Don’t I want to be healthy for her? Don’t I want to set a good example?
I’m just so freaking tired. I love the idea of being motivated much more than the reality. I miss running, and yet I also just really want to sit down at the end of the day after Charlotte goes to bed and be a zombie for a little while.
But apparently, zombies have embarrassingly high cholesterol and short life spans. Someone help me find my running shoes? And maybe throw away the ice cream in the freezer and hide my baking supplies?
As Charlotte said so succinctly last night, oh damnit.