Oh, Damnit

Huge sigh…

I went to the doctor yesterday.

A few months ago, I started having heart palpitations. They were annoying, but usually pretty fleeting and I ignored them for a while. Over the last few weeks, it reached a point where I couldn’t ignore them anymore. They were happening all the time, but were particularly bad in the evenings and when I was trying to fall asleep. It was incredibly uncomfortable and honestly a bit scary.

My gut was telling me it was anxiety-related. I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure at work and things just aren’t great. It’s really been taking a toll on me mentally and physically. So, off to the doctor I went, prepared for her to send me home with a prescription that would solve all of my problems.

That didn’t happen.

What did happen was a bunch of lab work, an EKG, and a long conversation about some concerns I had about going on an anti-depressant based on some past experience. We went back and forth for a while, and decided that pending the results of the tests, she wants me to spend the next 4 weeks focusing on sleep and exercise to see whether I can get this under control without drugs. We already have a phone consult scheduled for 4 weeks from yesterday.

The technician who did my EKG captured a few of the milder palpitations, so I was glad they could at least see that I wasn’t imagining things.

My thyroid, CBC, electrolytes, and A1C all came back normal (A1C was the very high end of normal—we’ll see what the doctor says about it). My cholesterol result, on the other hand, was out of this universe high. Like, it’s scaring me just thinking about it. Heart disease runs rampant on my mom’s side of the family. My grandfather died of a massive heart attack at 54. My uncle had a quadruple bypass two years ago. My other uncle is diabetic. My mom has been on cholesterol meds for years, and had heart problems last summer.

So basically, I went to the doctor to get my anxiety under control and instead I have even more to be anxious about. My doctor hasn’t yet called to discuss the cholesterol results, but I expect the call is coming sometime today. I will have to force myself to pick up the phone and listen while I hang my head in shame and silently badger myself for letting this happen.

The thing is that I did SO well with diet and exercise when I was trying to get pregnant. I was totally rocking it. I felt amazing. You would think that now that I have this beautiful little girl in my life, the motivation to get back to that place would be strong. Don’t I want to be healthy for her? Don’t I want to set a good example?

I’m just so freaking tired. I love the idea of being motivated much more than the reality. I miss running, and yet I also just really want to sit down at the end of the day after Charlotte goes to bed and be a zombie for a little while.

But apparently, zombies have embarrassingly high cholesterol and short life spans. Someone help me find my running shoes? And maybe throw away the ice cream in the freezer and hide my baking supplies?

As Charlotte said so succinctly last night, oh damnit.


14 thoughts on “Oh, Damnit

  1. Oh damnit, is right!! Im sorry, this all just sucks! I feel as though there are a few of us with similarly aged kids who are having stress/anxiety health struggles right now! Sending my love and wishing you the best!

  2. Mine was high last time too 😦 they say that women who have PCos and take metformin see improvements in their cholesterol. I know you’ve talked about getting back on it so maybe that’s a possibility? I’m having a hard time committing to lifestyle change too. I did really well for two days this week aaaaaand then I started my period. Please don’t ask me what I’ve eaten the last three days.

    • Ugh. I so don’t want to have to go back on metformin right now. Totally not in the mood for that nausea. I guess I’ll see what she says. I’m so mad at myself for this.

      • I just have a mental block. It’s those first two weeks that are so brutal. It’s not the end of the world, but I just don’t wanna feel lousy! Sigh. Stupid genetics.

      • Agreed. The first week this time around was rough but I only had one day of just misery. I know that’s not encouraging. After that day though? No more problems. It’s like it took a few days to build up, felt awful, then my body pushed past it and everything has been fine since. Your post also inspired me to do a fitness blender workout on YouTube. Charlie insisted on being held for a bunch of it so probably I burned ALL the calories. Let’s say I did.

  3. I feel you. I’m having my own come to Jesus moment about my health, for me it’s high blood pressure. I also have some significant family history that is scary, heart attacks in their 40s kind of stuff, which is right around the corner for me. I’m sort of half ass buckling down and getting it together, but it’s so hard with little kids!

  4. I’m sorry, apart from my crappy infertility and a bit of anxiety, I’ve really lucked out about health problems (blood A1c is perfect, great blood pressure, low cholesterol). My wife has hypothyroidism and has mastocystosis. I hope you’re able to get everything taken care of.

  5. I hope it’s nothing serious. Good luck as you make some changes. It’s so hard with work and raising children to focus on exercise and eating healthy. There are nights when take out and trash tv are just calling my name.

  6. I’m sorry friend. It is hard. I thought at this point in parenting I’d be in better shape because of being active with a toddler but the reality is that I am so exhausted most of the time I can’t do anything but eat terrible food and sit.

  7. I’m so sorry. I struggle with motivation to exercise and eat well. It is so hard and when you have a young child and are working full time out of the house, life alone is so tiring and there are so many things that you have to do already.

  8. I hear ya! I’m down 30lbs, but I gained SO much weight after Nora was born, so I have about 40 more to go. I was in awesome shape right before Nora and you’d think that would be motivation enough, but kids make it SO tough to find the time without being utterly exhausted. I’m back on Metformin, but I just had my Vitamin D levels checked and they are insanely low (even though I’m outside all the time!). So I think that might also be a problem with my exhaustion. It totally sucks though… Hoping you can get all of this sorted out. FYI- I’m doing better this time around with Metformin too.

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