Pre-Child Weekday Morning:
Roll out of bed after hitting snooze multiple times.
Drive through Starbucks.
Go to work.
Post-Child Weekday Morning:
Get out of bed on time so you can shower before wife leaves for work.
Make child’s breakfast so that it’s waiting for her because otherwise she will be a hangry monster.
Sit down to drink coffee at the exact moment that you hear child singing through the baby monitor.
Put down coffee.
Pause for a moment outside of child’s door and take a deep breath.
Wonder whether you will be greeted with a smile or an angry scream. Odds are 75/25 in favor of the scream.
Open door, make eye contact with child and chirp, “Good morning sunshine!”
Turn off sound machine and open window shade as child decides whether she is happy to see you or not.
Child is not happy to see you.
Child demands bottle.
Explain that it’s not time for a bottle.
Child demands bottle more loudly.
Offer breakfast instead of a bottle.
Child throws herself on the floor, kicking and screaming BOTTLE!
Surrender. It’s too early for this fight.
Run to the kitchen and make the damn bottle while child stands there screaming MILK MILK MILK MILK!
Take bottle and child to couch.
Turn on Sesame Street.
But not that Sesame Street.
Not that one either, apparently.
Or that one.
Search through queue of 99,999,999,999 episodes of Sesame Street to find the one with Snuffy.
Sit in peace for 5 minutes while child is lulled into blissful submission by Snuffy and bottle.
Bottle is empty.
Offer breakfast instead.
Offer pancakes enthusiastically.
Dogs start barking like crazy.
Barking escalates child’s screams for more bottle.
Nanny enters the house.
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK
Child runs screaming NO NANNY NO NANNY NO NANNY.
Yell at dogs to SHUT UP.
Apologize to nanny.
Add a few ounces of milk to bottle.
Hold crying child.
Attempt to extricate yourself from crying child’s grasp a dozen times so you can get dressed for work.
Fail a dozen times.
Offer for crying child to accompany you to the bedroom to get dressed.
Enhance bedroom offer with promises of bed bouncing.
No monkeys wish to jump on the bed this morning.
Wonder whether they will fire you on a Friday or wait until after the long weekend.
Sing along to Sesame Street songs you have heard ten thousand times with fake enthusiasm.
Notice that child has been still and quiet in your lap for ten minutes or so.
Take a deep breath and gently remove child from lap.
Dart into bedroom and hurry to throw on clothes.
Grab phone and coffee, kiss child on forehead, wish nanny luck, and run out the door before child can realize what’s happening.
Get in car.
Finally take a sip of (cold) coffee.
Make mental note to buy lotto ticket.
Decide that when you win, you will quit your job but keep your nanny.