A Comparison

Pre-Child Weekday Morning:

Roll out of bed after hitting snooze multiple times.

Shower.

Get dressed.

Drive through Starbucks.

Go to work.

Post-Child Weekday Morning:

Get out of bed on time so you can shower before wife leaves for work.

Make child’s breakfast so that it’s waiting for her because otherwise she will be a hangry monster.

Pour coffee.

Sit down to drink coffee at the exact moment that you hear child singing through the baby monitor.

Sigh.

Put down coffee.

Pause for a moment outside of child’s door and take a deep breath.

Wonder whether you will be greeted with a smile or an angry scream. Odds are 75/25 in favor of the scream.

Open door, make eye contact with child and chirp, “Good morning sunshine!”

Turn off sound machine and open window shade as child decides whether she is happy to see you or not.

Child is not happy to see you.

Commence screaming.

Child demands bottle.

Explain that it’s not time for a bottle.

Child demands bottle more loudly.

Offer breakfast instead of a bottle.

Child throws herself on the floor, kicking and screaming BOTTLE!

Surrender. It’s too early for this fight.

Run to the kitchen and make the damn bottle while child stands there screaming MILK MILK MILK MILK!

Take bottle and child to couch.

Turn on Sesame Street.

But not that Sesame Street.

Not that one either, apparently.

Or that one.

Search through queue of 99,999,999,999 episodes of Sesame Street to find the one with Snuffy.

Sit in peace for 5 minutes while child is lulled into blissful submission by Snuffy and bottle.

Bottle is empty.

More bottle?

Offer breakfast instead.

MORE BOTTLE?!

Offer pancakes enthusiastically.

MORE BOTTLE!!!!!!

Dogs start barking like crazy.

Barking escalates child’s screams for more bottle.

Nanny enters the house.

BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

Child runs screaming NO NANNY NO NANNY NO NANNY.

Yell at dogs to SHUT UP.

Apologize to nanny.

Add a few ounces of milk to bottle.

Hold crying child.

Attempt to extricate yourself from crying child’s grasp a dozen times so you can get dressed for work.

Fail a dozen times.

Offer for crying child to accompany you to the bedroom to get dressed.

Offer declined.

Enhance bedroom offer with promises of bed bouncing.

No monkeys wish to jump on the bed this morning.

Wonder whether they will fire you on a Friday or wait until after the long weekend.

Shrug.

Sing along to Sesame Street songs you have heard ten thousand times with fake enthusiasm.

Notice that child has been still and quiet in your lap for ten minutes or so.

Take a deep breath and gently remove child from lap.

Dart into bedroom and hurry to throw on clothes.

Grab phone and coffee, kiss child on forehead, wish nanny luck, and run out the door before child can realize what’s happening.

Get in car.

Finally take a sip of (cold) coffee.

Drive.

Make mental note to buy lotto ticket.

Decide that when you win, you will quit your job but keep your nanny.

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12 thoughts on “A Comparison

    • The bottle freakouts have been pretty universal this week. We have no clue where it came from. Alll she wants is bottles. I suspect there’s a tooth at the root of that particular issue. The rest of it–yeah, it’s definitely for my “benefit.” If it wasn’t 1-2 hours between wake up and nanny’s arrival, I would totally consider just leaving her in her damn crib. I am so over it.

    • I feel like this would be ten times worse to handle at the end of the day. Sympathies right back at you, my friend. We will survive. It’s a good thing they’re so dang cute.

      • I think it’s hard no matter what. Mornings, when you know you have to get out the door and get to work add such a different stress.

        Cuteness of babies: Evolution at work.

  1. Our little one goes to child care which is only about 10 mins drive from home. Some mornings when it’s been particularly rough I’ll get her up and to CC, and then come back home and shower and get ready in peace. She behaves so well there for some reason. Does Charlotte start daycare soon? Hopefully things turn a corner for you guys soon.

  2. I have been pondering the mystery that no matter how early I wake up, I’m still 15-30 minutes late for work. I seriously set my timer (and GET UP!) ten minutes earlier every day, and I’m STILL LATE. What is this baby sorcery???

  3. I often wonder just what I did before I had kids. I know I felt like I was busy then, but I have no memory of what was occupying my time.
    My nephew would wake up starving so my sister-in-law would put a snack beside his bed where he could reach it. Of course it adds yet another task to the routine of what you have to do before you can go to bed since you would presumably have to put the snack in there after she is asleep. Also, may or may not work when she is so young. hard to think of a snack that is non-perishable and not a choking hazard. He was 3 when they did that. I know we have a first breakfast and a second breakfast. When our toddler wakes we set her up in front of the TV too, her preference is Sofia the First, and we get her a snack. Right now she asks for grapes and a cheese stick. We are also hitting a phase where it has to be a specific episode or she starts crying. That is horribly frustrating and has us contemplating banning TV in the mornings, but neither my wife or I have the willpower to actually do that. Today our toddler was screaming because we would only turn on the TV in our room, and not the big TV in the den, which meant she could not watch the desired Sofia episode, but had to settle for a different one. After 20 minutes she finally decided watching in our room would do.

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