One Giant a Glass of Wine Later

It’s been 4 days since Charlotte has properly nursed. 

I didn’t plan this. It just sort of happened and I went with it. 

I’ve been noticing she’s pretty disinterested in nursing at bedtime for the past week. She’s on and off and really doesn’t stay latched for longer than a minute at a time. Monday was a normal night. She nursed distractedly and went to bed. 

She woke up around midnight that night and eagerly latched like usual.

At bedtime on Tuesday, she latched for about 5 seconds and then popped her paci in her mouth and that was that. Then, she slept through the night. 

She didn’t ask to nurse at bedtime on Wednesday and I didn’t offer. Again, she slept through the night. (I started fantasizing that this sleeping through the night would be a regular thing. The universe laughed.)

Thursday bedtime was the same. She didn’t ask and I didn’t offer. When she woke up crying at midnight, I had to decide what to do. Fast. I was so conflicted. I knew I should try to build on this momentum. I wanted her weaned by my birthday (June 2) anyway. Why not just do this? 

I picked her up and we sat in the glider like usual. She looked up at me and whispered, “Boobie?” I didn’t say a word. I held her closer, kissed her forehead, popped her paci back in and rocked my heart out. No protest. She went right back to sleep. 

Tonight was another no ask/no offer bedtime. 

There’s no telling what midnight will bring. Maybe my luck will run out. Only the universe knows. I’m not ready to celebrate yet. 

I am… okay. Mostly. I can tell I’m a bit fragile (for lack of a better word). Hormones are tough. My body has been doing this for 21 months, so it has some adjustments to make. 

I’m kind of in shock that we’re here right now. I wanted this, but I thought I had a bit more time. I thought I could take one more picture. I thought I could have one more quiet midnight alone in the dark with my nursling. 

The days are long, but then you blink and your tiny squish of a baby is suddenly… not. 

Photo A Day

No photo post today, guys. I am in hell at work and I am trying very hard to keep my shit together, but I have lost count of the number of times I’ve said FUCK THIS already today and I just can’t deal. Send liquor.

Photo A Day Project: Days 98-104

I decided to try to take a photo a day with my DSLR for 100 days. Here’s this week’s batch!

So, I’ve made it to 100 days (plus a few). I’m going to keep going for now. I love having these photos.

Day 98/April 14:  Did someone say treat? I can probably wake up for a treat.

100Days-April14

Day 99/April 15: She got her name from her Nana, so I pretty much had to buy this shirt. And that’s Nana in the background, which makes this even better.

100Days-April15

Day 100/April 16: “Heyooo?” At Easter brunch, she grabbed my cousin’s girlfriend’s phone from the table and had a full (serious) conversation with herself. This kid cracks me up.

100Days-April16

Day 101/April 17: The minions are still on our wall. She loves them just as much as she did the day Catch drew them for her.

100Days-April17

Day 102/April 18: Feeding the lorikeets at the aquarium. She was fascinated by the birds everywhere.

100Days-April18

Day 103/April 19: A day at our favorite beach. She is a California girl.

100Days-April19.jpg

Day 104/April 20: After dinner in the back yard. Her face is covered with watermelon and cottage cheese–cheeks still a bit rosy from the beach. I think she could have played outside all night if we’d let her.

100Days-April20

 

 

Reality

I am back at work today after 5 days away from this place. If stepping off the elevator this morning felt like a hard slap in the face, then sitting down to sort through all of my unread email was kick to the head.

We had such a wonderful little break filled with family and fresh air.

On Saturday, we celebrated Easter with my dad’s side of the family. Charlotte finally got to meet her new baby cousin (we’ve been sick every time we’ve had a chance!). She also got to meet a tortoise, which was WAY more exciting than her baby cousin.


On Sunday, we hosted Easter brunch with my family. Charlotte got her Minions-themed Easter basket and then hunted for Minion Easter eggs in our back yard while moms drank the mimosas that turned out to be a huge mistake because champagne = ZzzZzZzzzzz. Then on Sunday afternoon, we headed to ANOTHER Easter with Catch’s family. Are you counting? That’s 3 Easters in 2 days. And I’m an atheist.




My in-laws came home with us after Easter dinner and spent the night, which gave Catch and I an opportunity to do some much-needed prep-work for an upcoming consignment sale on Monday morning. This sale has so many rules. I seriously hope it’s worth the hours (and hours and hours) we’re having to spend getting things ready.


On Tuesday morning, we woke up feeling particularly masochistic and decided to brave the 405 at morning rush hour to take the kid for her first visit to the Aquarium of the Pacific. Maybe someday, we will live in a city where it doesn’t take 2 hours to drive 40 miles, but Tuesday was not that day. Traffic aside, Charlotte had an absolute blast with the fishies. We had lunch at an overpriced tourist trap across the street from the aquarium because a) beer and b) we knew they served corn on the cob, which can easily occupy our kid for a good 15 minutes. The most important thing we learned is that moms should not day drink, because after lunch we were useless sloths who spent the rest of the afternoon counting the endless minutes until bedtime.





On Wednesday morning, we woke up still feeling every minute of Tuesday, but that didn’t stop us from joining the morning rush hour once again to drive the 80 miles to our favorite dog beach in Santa Barbara. (Did you know that there is not one single dog-friendly beach in LA County? Not one.) It was an absolutely gorgeous day at the beach. It’s probably good that we don’t live closer to that particular beach because redhead + easy beach access = skin cancer.






So that’s where we’ve been, and now it’s back to the grind. We have over 200 tags to affix to various consignment sale things over the next two days, so wish us luck.

Photo A Day Project: Days 91-97

I decided to try to take a photo a day with my DSLR for 100 days. Here’s this week’s batch!

Day 91/April 7:  Two pictures today to make up for the missing one from last week. The first one is me actually putting some thought into my photography, and it is a fantastic representation of my kid right now: dirty face, booger-covered nose and messy hair, but happy as long as she’s outside. The second is my dad showing up on an especially grumpy and tear-filled morning with the donuts that saved the day. Thanks, dad. We needed that.

100Days-April7.2100Days-April7

Day 92/April 8: Hunting for Easter eggs at Underwood Farms. Charlotte and I were both sick, but it was a spectacular day anyway. We had so much fun.

100Days-April8

Day 93/April 9: We brush her teeth wherever she’s willing to allow it.

100Days-April9

Day 94/April 10: She has now picked and eaten EVERY SINGLE unripe strawberry from our strawberry patch. (Her other hand is holding a bubble gun, hence the bubbles.)

100Days-April10

Day 95/April 11: Blurry, but joy-filled. She found this ball in the street on a walk with her mama, and it has been the center of her universe for 3 days now.

100Days-April11

Day 96/April 12: This pretty much sums up how everyone in the house feels except the toddler.

100Days-April12

Day 97/April 13: First it was the trampoline. “Bounce?” Then she had to have the big bag of balls. “Balls! Balls!” Then she insisted that she needed to watch Julia on Sesame Street RIGHT NOW. “Julia? Elmo? Julia?” So here we have all three things happening.

100Days-April13

“Damnit!”

Bronchitis kicked my ass. After two weeks of absolutely no improvement, the doctor suggested on Friday that perhaps what I’m dealing with is bacterial rather than viral and wouldn’t you know it—a few days of antibiotics and I no longer have a cough that requires pantyliners. Praise dog. I’m still going through a box of tissues a day, but it was that deep, hacking cough that was really killing me.

Of course now, rather than being kept awake at night by my miserable cough, I am being kept awake by the toddler who still can’t breathe. Three weeks of this shit. We had two blissful days last week where we weren’t having to pin her down to suction her nose every hour. I even put the humidifier away on Thursday night, which I am NEVER EVER DOING AGAIN because she woke up Friday morning dripping like a faucet again. I am just SO DONE with this shit. We were up with her approximately every 90 minutes last night. I am getting too old for this.

She’s also working on her 2-year molars, which appears to be pure hell. So there’s that.

Apparently, Charlotte has some feelings about this combination of sickness and teething because Catch reported yesterday that she was stomping around the house yelling, “Damnit!” repeatedly. I feel ya, kid. I really do.

It appears we’re all just a bit on the grouchy side. (This one was courtesy of my mom when she babysat yesterday.)

17634839_10212067406548036_9061874177270575242_n

Over the next 10-ish days, we’re supposed to prepare a shit ton of stuff to sell at a consignment sale (ugh—they make it so complicated!), host an Easter brunch, attend two other Easter events, and go camping for 3 days. Also, you know, work. It would be really great if we could all get healthy and maybe—I know this is a stretch—get more than 2 consecutive hours of sleep. Please.

Photo A Day Project: Days 84-90

I decided to try to take a photo a day with my DSLR for 100 days. Here’s this week’s batch!

For the first time, I missed a day. I’m kinda bummed. I know that’s silly.

Day 84/March 31:  She’s our water baby. If there’s water to be found, she will find it.

100Days-March31

Day 85/April 1:  When Grammy gave her this sandbox, I didn’t think it would get nearly as much use as it has. Money well spent!

100Days-April1

Day 86/April 2:  She looked up into the sky and said, “Ball!” “No, baby,” we told her, “That’s the moon.” “Oh, moon! Hi birdie!”

100Days-April2

Day 87/April 3: Mama helps make the boo boos better.

100Days-April3

Day 88/April 4: A water balloon fight to lighten a heavy day. They got me.

100Days-April4

Day 89/April 5: She loves singing in the tub. Tonight, she kept saying, “Sing a song” and it took me a while to realize that she wanted me to play the song, Sing from our Sesame Street album.

100Days-April5

Day 90/April 6:  Zip. Zero. Nada. Fail. The nanny complained this afternoon that our living room smells (thanks dogs), so we spent the evening vacuuming/ mopping/ febreezing every surface. Charlotte chased us around demanding, “I do.” I can’t wait until she can really mop effectively.

Three Thursday Things

At 4:50 on Tuesday morning, Catch and I stood helplessly and watched as our sweet hound girl, Twix, had a massive seizure. I cried. A lot. It was a very long day punctuated by 5 seizures (4 milder ones and one big one) and a lot of unknowns. I was afraid that by the end of it, there would be a huge gaping void in my bed and an even bigger one in my heart.

Every bit of me is radiating relief right now because more than 48 hours later, things are looking pretty good for our girl. She started meds on Tuesday afternoon, and no one has witnessed any seizure activity since she took that first pill. So far, she’s not having any side effects from the drugs, and she is her usual self. It’s a better outcome than I even thought we could hope for. Fingers crossed that it continues.

—-

I am sick. Still? Again? I’m really not sure. I’m going on over 2 weeks of this crap and I am just SO. DONE. The worst of it is this deep, hacking cough that I can’t kick. It’s just sucking the life out of me. Every morning I wake up hoping there’ll be some improvement, and every morning I am disappointed. This is what happens when your body is completely run down from sleep deprivation. I am not getting enough rest and I’m not taking care of myself and I am paying for it. It sucks.

Last night at the dinner table, I had a particularly rough coughing fit that left me breathless and miserable. Charlotte thought it was the funniest thing she’s ever seen and when I finally stopped coughing, she enthusiastically demanded, “Again!” Toddlers, man. So much love.

My wife did all kinds of incredible things over the weekend to get Charlotte out of the house so that I could just lie in bed and rest. I hated missing out on those precious weekend hours with my kiddo, but I sure needed that down time.

—-

We bought Charlotte a toddler pillow. She has absolutely zero interest in sleeping on said pillow. Instead, we get to watch as every night after we say good night and close the door, she methodically grabs each one of the “guys” in her crib, lays them on the pillow and says, “Night night dog. Night night Elmo. Night night hop. Night night giraffe.” (Bunnies are hops.) She offers each of them her paci, and then sings them You Are My Sunshine (her bedtime song). It has drastically increased the amount of time it takes her to fall asleep, but it is so damn cute that I can’t bring myself to put a stop to it.

 

Inadequate

I had a really bad day today. 

It started when Charlotte woke up at midnight and it took me forever to get her back to sleep. Then she was up again 2 hours later and it was another hour before I was able to get her back down. 

I feel like I blinked and it was time to get up. And of course I woke up with a cough courtesy of the family cold. 

Charlotte was grouchy and clingy and wouldn’t let me get ready for work. And today was an important work day so I needed to do the full hair & makeup thing. I ended up leaving the house way late. 

Then I had to sit in ridiculous traffic to get to West Hollywood for a meeting. A meeting where our executive team ripped me to shreds in front of my colleagues for things that are both completely out of my control and beyond the scope of my position. 

It was a 4 hour meeting. Halfway through, I felt a migraine setting in. By the time I left, my head was pounding. I had to drive home through a canyon in rush hour traffic feeling like I was going to have to stop the car and throw up. 

I pulled up at home and first thing, my wife saw the yellow paint on my bumper from the pole I didn’t see in the drive through at McDonalds yesterday when I bought Charlotte an ice cream cone. She was upset. Understandably. 

I started to cry. In an effort to hide the tears, I rubbed mascara into my eyes and it made them burn which made the tears even worse. 

But then?

My little girl wrapped her arms around me and as she rested her head on my shoulder, she declared with a sigh, “Mama’s here.”

I’m pretty sure she’s the only thing I’m doing right. I’d do today a thousand times over for her.