I Need a Nap

I am so, so tired.

My mom was admitted to the hospital unexpectedly on Saturday. On Monday, she had surgery to remove fluid from around her heart—22 ounces of it and it’s still draining. They’re saying now that she might not go home until Friday, which just sucks.

I am my mother’s only child and she’s not married, so it’s just me keeping on top of her care. Charlotte can’t come to the hospital, so I’ve been trying to balance breastfeeding and hospital visits… not to mention work. It’s been rough.

Charlotte’s sleep is out of control horrible again so that’s not helping things, either.

Orlando has me all worked up, but I’m too tired to make sense of my feelings. We were supposed to take Charlotte to her first pride festival on Sunday, but we ended up not going because someone was arrested on their way to LA Pride with a car full of guns and explosives. After that, I just couldn’t do it. Not with my baby girl. And now I wonder if we’ll ever feel safe again.

And then a two-year-old is dragged away by an alligator and for some reason, I cannot get it out of my head. The weight of it is just sitting there in my heart making me want to cry. I’m probably overly sensitive to it because I’m already on edge, but man… I just can’t imagine being those poor parents. (Parents who are undoubtedly being ripped apart by the internet as I type this, because the internet seems to have nothing better to do than shame other parents.)

My in-laws will be here tomorrow to help us tear apart our back yard, and the timing is positively the worst because I don’t have time for a) more people in my house or b) yard work. Not to mention that sharing my daughter isn’t high on my list considering how little time I get to be with her lately.

I will be back at some point to talk about how the experience with my mom in the hospital has me giving more serious consideration to having a second child. Because honestly, for the first time in my life being an only child is really sucking right now.

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16 thoughts on “I Need a Nap

  1. It’s been a really heavy and loaded week, friend, and adding the stress of taking care of a loved on that is ill would absolutely take me over the edge. You are doing AWESOME at holding shit together! I hope that your mom is feeling better, and that despite not wanting to share Charlotte with other people, you get some form of respite from all the crazy of this week. Take a little time to yourself to refuel. Self care is so important, and after a week like that this, i think it’s fair to say we ALL could use a little break this weekend.

    • I’m going to try to force myself to take advantage of my MIL being around so I can take a nap. I wish I had one more me. That would solve all of my problems!

  2. This week has been horrific. Orlando rocked me to my core and I’m not even LGBT-I’m feeling it totally from a parental perspective. It really brought back new town for me. New town was awful when it happened and I wasn’t even pregnant or anything, but I was a children’s librarian and I just pictured it being our kids at the library and going over escape scenarios over and over again, and how I would get the kids out. I’m basically doing the same shit now in my head but this time it’s Charlie, and wondering if we had to hide if I could keep her quiet, and would the shooter kill me but spare her because she’s just a baby? Horror. And the gator thing is absolutely terrifying. I read it and thought “well-there goes any Disney vacations.” Those poor parents. I am heartbroken for them.

    So this extremely long comment is to say that I can really sympathize with your feelings and I know that it’s about a million times worse for you because of your place in that community and your mom. I know you don’t want to share Charlotte but maybe you could get your in laws to spend even an hour with her alone and you could take a nap. It would make them happy and I bet you could really use the rest friend. Much love to you. I’m thinking of you.

    • I’m sure thousands of parents are crossing Florida off of their vacation lists right now. Catch has an aunt in FL who would LOVE for us to visit, but um… maybe not. I know my MIL would be happy to take Charlotte so I could nap for a while… I just need to force myself to do it. That’s half the battle right there.

      • It so is and I have no room to talk because I don’t want to be around Chiefs parents this weekend AT ALL. He mentioned inviting his mother to come to the zoo with us and I had to swallow all of the “No! My baby’s birthday! my time!” Comments that I wanted to fling out because I’m a selfish jerk.

  3. My friend, it sounds like your having a very rough time family wise and then throw all the Orlando stuff on top and it sounds like its all just way too much to process right now, rightfully so. I wish i had thr right words, but i too am struggling to process all the violence and feel as though im at a lack for words.
    I am wishing your mom a quick recovery and hoping you are able to take some time to yourself to recharge. Sending my love.

  4. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom! I hope you find the time to take care of yourself. You’re being a rockstar mom juggling everything. The toddler/alligator incident is stuck in my head as well. I can’t even imagine what those parents are going through. Florida will not be visited by us, for sure.

  5. I don’t have any amazing words today but I agree with all the other comments.
    This week has been devastating for the queer community and I don’t know how we’ll collectively move past this grief and fear. Hugs.
    Hang in there, don’t be so harsh on yourself and I hope mom starts feeling better soon.

  6. Send love your way hoping you get sleep soon, and some quality time with your little one! We must live in the same area because we had Pride that weekend too. This is one of the first years I didn’t get a chance to go 😛

  7. I’m sorry to hear about your mom; I hope she’s feeling better soon.

    That all sounds like a lot. And with no sleep. And because there is no sleep here either, that’s about as articulate as I can be, but I hope you get a nap and that things are less hard for you soon.

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