I just wiped a smudge of breast milk from my glasses. There are patches of crusty yams on the nursing tank underneath the (slightly) wrinkled top I’m wearing at work. There is either dried spit up or baby snot on the shoulder of my work top. I am on my third cup of coffee. I need a pedicure. I really need to get my eyebrows done. I haven’t worn anything but flats since I killed myself in heels on my first day back to work. I have been late pretty much every day since Christmas.
I am a mess.
My mom was a single mom for pretty much my entire childhood. She worked hard. She climbed corporate ladders. She always left the house in pantyhose with a fresh layer of hairspray and makeup. My makeup bag is in the front seat of my car. I haven’t touched it all week and I’m not even remotely a single mom.
The thing is that I could take the time to not be a mess in the morning, but it would mean not spending 15 minutes on the floor playing with my baby girl. I could be on time for work, but it would mean skipping the ten minutes I spend nursing her right before I leave. I could wear pantyhose, but—well, no. I won’t wear pantyhose.
I used to be all about climbing ladders. I fought hard to have the position I’m in right now. I don’t technically have a director title, but my new boss is always referring to me as a director. Two years ago, that would have THRILLED me. Now, the only thing that thrills me about my position is that I have no one sitting outside my office shaking a finger at me for the inordinate amount of time I spend pumping every day.
My heart just isn’t in it. My heart is at home with my little girl singing songs and reading (eating) books.
I really need to find a way to snap myself out of this. I need to turn my ambition back on. I need to find a way to streamline my mornings. I need to make more of an effort.
I “work” from home tomorrow, but next week is a new week. I have a huge project to start, and I need to get my shit together.
My goal for next week is to sort out all of my work clothes for the week before Monday so that everything is ready and wrinkle-free. I am going to try to find some time to shop for a few things this weekend. Maybe a comfortable pair of lower heels, a top that doesn’t need ironing, and a new pair of pants. I will shave my legs.
I am going to use the blog to hold myself accountable. Let’s see if I can pull myself out of this working mama rut.