I don’t think that the phrase, “giving it your all” has ever really meant anything to me. I thought it did. I thought that there have been times in my life when I have given something my all, but not until I became a parent did I really understand how short of “all” I’ve actually been falling all these years.
Enter Charlotte. Light of my life. Center of my universe.
Since the minute she was born, I have given this child everything I have to give. Physically and mentally, she has it all. Every fiber of my being is wrapped up in those chubby baby fingers…
…and it’s not enough. I am constantly falling short of the mark.
In 6 months, I haven’t been able to get my baby to sleep. I failed at sleep training. I failed at cosleeping. Last night, she was up at least every hour—often more than once every hour. I gave up on her crib a few nights ago because I was spending more time getting up and down between bed and the crib than I was sleeping.
I am exhausted and it’s taking its toll on every aspect of my life—from my health to my job to my marriage to my ability to parent to my relationships with friends. Catch could say the same thing.
Our days with her are filled with such joy, and then the nights are just sheer hell. Catch and I don’t know what to do anymore, so we fight with each other in the dark over the cries of our beautiful daughter. She’s resentful because Charlotte only wants me during the night. I’m resentful because Charlotte only wants me during the night. Feelings are hurt, fuses are short, and patience is in exceptionally short supply.
I wish I had happier words to write, but I’m just at a loss these days. This lovely blogger mentioned that they’re trying the methods in The Happy Sleeper, so I downloaded that book this afternoon. So far, I like what I’ve read. I know it’s going to be really hard for me to listen to her cry, but I also know I can’t go on like this. She has to learn how to sleep. She needs sleep.