I should be asleep. Catch and Charlotte have both been out for over an hour. Charlotte would only sleep while attached to me last night, which meant lousy, choppy sleep on the lousy, lumpy couch. I should be dead to the world tonight. I’m not though, which just goes to show you that your body actually does adjust to getting a ridiculously insignificant amount of sleep.
I blame breastfeeding. If I pump and give her a bottle, I can usually get a 3 hour stretch from her. If I nurse her instead (because seriously–who wants to pump in the middle of the night?) I get two hours if I’m lucky. Once 3 or 4 am hits, its usually every hour from there.
I hear from so many moms that at this age, their baby was only waking once or was sleeping through the night, and it fills me with total anxiety.
You know what I’ve gone through to be able to breastfeed. I take 29 pills every day to be able to produce what I do now. That’s crazy, right? If you saw my pill stash in the kitchen, you’d think I was seriously ill. So this no-sleep business just has me questioning my boobs and their abilities. I am totally insecure.
The thing is that she always seems satisfied after she eats. She usually falls asleep or pops off on her own after a reasonable time and she usually isn’t interested in the other side. Her timing is the same during the day. I can’t even get to/from the grocery store in time for her to eat.
So is this sleep business her? Or is it my boobs?
I have no clue.
Why is breastfeeding so damn hard for me? I am so sick of worrying about my boobs. Charlotte seems healthy and happy, but she is constantly on the boob. It is wearing me out. (And then I feel guilty for being worn out because I WANTED THIS SO BADLY.)
I remember thinking I couldn’t make it 4 weeks with breastfeeding. Then my goal was 2 months. Then 3. Then 4. Now I think I might just be able to make it a year, but we have got to figure this out. Mommy needs sleep. Hell, mommy needs to be able to cook a meal from start to finish.