Case Closed

I want to thank all of you for jumping to my defense yesterday. I read every single one of your comments, but I feel like my response to all of you would be exactly the same, so I’m just going to write it here:

  1. THANK YOU.
  2. It’s good to see that I have some clue (no matter how vague) as to what’s coming in 9-ish weeks.

We have settled the house guest issue. It wasn’t without tears and a bit of door slamming and yelling (we NEVER fight like that EVER—it sucks big time), but it’s settled. Even though I got my way (I hate to even put it like that), I still feel like crap about it because I know Catch is disappointed and hurt. I know she’s coming from a place of wanting to share her joy and excitement with the people she loves the most, and it’s really hard to swoop in and burst that bubble.

She pointed out last night that her support network is far away and it’s hard on her, which I totally understand. I wish I could change it. I wish her parents hadn’t moved hours away, and I wish her sister was closer, but I can’t fix any of that. It’s especially lousy because my own mom is just an arm’s reach away, and her closeness often highlights the opposite for Catch.

I wish there was a way to manage this situation so that everyone could be content, but there really isn’t. Bringing a new baby into the world is fraught with complications and feelings. When you’re dealing with a tiny little being that is SO wanted and waited for and loved by so many people, it’s hard to disengage from the feelings to focus on the facts.

In this case, the fact is that I am a very private person. I was not raised with a sister like Catch, or a half dozen sisters like her mother, and I’m not used to sharing personal things with people the way they are. I know I will barely be comfortable sharing postpartum things with my own mother. Catch is really the only person I am totally comfortable with, and I expect that I will need her to be my refuge during those fragile days.

Hell, I still haven’t forgiven one of Catch’s aunts for cutting the birthday/graduation cake at the party I threw for Catch when she got her Master’s degree. My house, my party, my cake to cut. I can only imagine how that’s going to translate when I give birth to this baby. It’s really in everyone’s best interest if we keep the visits short, sweet, and free of parenting intervention.

Between the two of us, we have two moms, two grandmothers, and 8 local aunts who are all going to want a piece of this baby action. (Not to mention the cousins…) All I could really offer to Catch last night is that we’ll figure it out as we go along. And that I love her. Because I do. She is my rock, and I couldn’t imagine doing this with anyone else by my side. She is an amazing wife, and I guarantee that her mothering abilities will put mine to shame. We just need to take this one step (and one visitor) at a time.

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15 thoughts on “Case Closed

  1. I totally, TOTALLY get this. I’m already stressed about my mom, and my step-dad, and my two local aunts, and my cousin, and my dad, and his girlfriend, and Chief’s mom all wanting to be here in those first few days. I know I’m going to want help, but at this very moment I really just want to say “everyone stay away.” It’s going to be hard at first, I don’t need a million different people telling me how to do something, that’ll just get me flustered and upset. I see myself REALLY getting upset at Chief’s mom because we are very different people and she is so effing pushy.

  2. Your decision makes a lot of logical sense and though it’s tough right now I am hopeful you’ll both be happy to not have visitors during that special time.

  3. I am so happy that you came to an agreement, even if it involved tears and door slamming. Sometimes ugly fights happen, what really matters is how you come back together at the end. And, it sounds like you have and I really think you guys are going to be so awesome at this mothering thing and when you are on the same page you will also be superstars at managing the expectations family visits and expectations.

  4. I have a feeling that once this baby is here, Catch will fully understand why you felt this way, and be in full agreement.

    It’s wonderful you have so many people who love and will want to be around the baby. You’ll want/need that as she gets a little older (not newborn) and you long for some freedom/help. Then you may find yourself asking them to come stay! 😉

  5. proud of you for sticking to your gut instinct about this and I have a sneaky feeling that Catch will, in the long run, also appreciate that alone time with you & baby. it just sucks that it had to play out the way it did, because obviously a simple conversation during the pre-plan stages could have saved the argument from being as bad as it was. hang in there – you’re in the home stretch!

  6. I have a friend who is a post partum doula. One of her big challenges is conveying to first time mom’s how important the services she provides are in the first few weeks after birth. It’s because it’s so impossible to comprehend what life is like with a newborn. I suspect you and Catch will both be very relieved that you held your ground on this point, but I’m very sorry to hear is caused strife now.

  7. I hate the feeling after getting in a big argument- but sometimes that’s just how it has to happen when both partners have strong feelings. I don’t think I commented on your previous post, but I agree that it’s just too much. I still can’t imagine what it’d be like to move so close to the due date– you don’t need to add anything else to your plates.

  8. Perfect. I believe that in time, your reasonings will become apparent to Catch. Not that you will say ‘I told you so’ but I think it won’t be long after baby arrives that it will make sense to her why you wanted to protect this time so badly.

  9. Phew! I’m relieved. I also really sympathize with Catch. That said, I’m like you – need my private time especially in really vulnerable moments (and in my experience the postnatal period is just that) – and can say I’m confident you have done the right thing for you. I hope you also have the energy to remind Catch how awesome she is, how much you love and need her and how grateful you are for her respecting what you need in this. All the best, Molly!

  10. I’m glad it’s all worked out but sorry to hear that there is still tension. Hopefully everyone involved will feel better once the baby is born and you take things one day at a time. ❤

  11. Sorry it went down like that but glad you came to the conclusion you did. As a fellow non-gestational parent I do think Catch’s desire for a support network is important to keep in mind as Things happen. We spend a lot of time as NGPs taking care of the GP and the baby and it’s very easy for our own needs to get eclipsed by more urgent matters and resentment can build up quite quickly, especially when exhaustion reigns supreme. I’m glad Catch was able to articulate those concerns and I hope you keep lines of communication open as you’re (both) adjusting to your new way of life.

  12. It sucks to have fought about it and have a screaming match, but it will all show itself in that first week back home why it was so important to say no to house guests and to really assert yourself to tell people that visits need to be short and hospital like (not more than 20-30 minutes and see ya later lady!) Callie is much like you. She’s very private. We had a huge argument before the boys were born because I wanted my mom in the delivery room and she was like, “OH hell no! Absolutely not! I don’t even want my OWN mother there!” and that totally threw me for a loop! I want a home birth so i can have my sisters, my mom, my favorite aunt, Callie’s mom, Marco, Nikki, Tee…i mean, like everyone and their mother! I want our babies to be born literally into a room filled with love, but she wanted a more intimate moment with just the two of us. I grew up with so many people that i can totally say, “What privacy?!” But not every one is like that. All of that to say, that sometimes, even if it’s not what you want, you have to be sensitive to your partners wants and feelings. Hold on to that, because later on (since her support system is far away and being the non-belly mama can be tough sometimes) she may need you to bend a little and give her what she needs…hugs to you friend…and a little rub for baby girl 🙂

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