Showered

OK, I haven’t wanted to write about this, but it’s bugging the crap out of me and I need to get it off my chest.

Many months ago, my sister in law told Catch that she wanted to throw us a baby shower. It was very sweet of her. So SIL would cover Catch’s side of the family, and then my mom wanted to throw us a shower that would cover my side of the family. We both have fairly large families and when you add in family friends and our own friends, it’s much more manageable to have separate showers.

So, guest lists are decided and invitations are ordered. The invitations for the shower my mom is throwing include both of our names. Please join us for a baby shower honoring Molly & Catch.

The invitations for the shower my SIL is throwing include Catch’s name only. Please join us for a baby shower honoring Catch.

I was hurt. My immediate reaction was something along the lines of, “Oh, don’t mind me… I’m just the one cooking the baby. No big deal.”

Now, I understand that the very idea of a couple of lesbians having a baby together implies to some that tradition has gone out the window. It seems that when you remove a penis from the babymaking equation, all bets are off. And I get how it can confuse people. I do. This lesbian thing is not for everyone.

SIL wanted to throw a shower for her sister. Totally understandable. I guess I just assumed (and you know what they say about assumptions) that perhaps I was equally important in this particular equation. Much like my SIL probably assumed that these would be hers/hers baby showers rather than joint ones, I suppose. I don’t know. I guess maybe the politics of a lesbian baby shower are more complicated than I thought?

I am trying very hard to get over my hurt feelings because it’s bothering Catch that I’m upset and I don’t want that. It’s not worth it. We got into a sort of emotionally-overwrought fight about it, but we agreed in the end that the baby shower is not about either one of us—it’s about our baby girl. It’s not as if Catch and I don’t know that we’re equal partners in this. That should be enough. But try telling that to the overtired, overly hormonal pregnant woman with the aching hips, heartburn, and tear ducts that are operating on high alert.

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43 thoughts on “Showered

  1. It was incredibly rude of your SIL to exclude your name on the baby shower invitation, and I completely understand why you are hurt about this. It’s okay to feel that way, and it’s really big of you to just let it go for the sake of familial peace.

  2. I’d be really upset too. Whether it was an intentional slight or not, you both are equally important and should both be honored at the showers and listed on the invites. It never ceases to amaze me how some people just don’t “get” it, still.

    • I think I have finally reached the point where I can roll my eyes and move on. But this is definitely going down in the grudge book for later use at my convenience. 🙂

  3. I should point out that I’m a fan of joint baby showers in heterosexual relationships (i.e. BBQ after baby is born), so I just assumed it would be that way in a lesbian relationship. Honestly, I thought that was a given, so I find your SIL’s choice of wording very insensitive. So, I totally understand why you are upset about it, but I do agree with Lindsay that it’s pretty big of you to let it go for the sake of greater peace within the family. Either way I’m sorry you are left hurting.

    • I’m totally with you. I think if both parents will be in attendance, they should both be on the invite. I guess maybe we’re just a bit more enlightened than some? I actually feel much better about this since writing about it here. I think it helped me get it out of my system. Although she is certainly not going to be allowed to touch the belly. I’m all for familial peace, but I’ve got to get my piece of this somehow. 😉

      • I’m glad writing it out helped you feel better! It’s amazing how therapeutic writing can be!
        I have to admit the whole belly touching obsession is one thing I will not miss by adopting! I think I would have decked anyone who tried to touch me. So, needless to say I agree with your decision on this too. 🙂

  4. I’ve yet to master the art of letting go. It seems impossible for me to let things like that slide without checking out of the relationship completely. Good for you.

    • I wouldn’t say I’ve mastered it, but I am at least learning to keep my mouth on a tighter leash when the fight won’t be productive. That’s something, I guess!

  5. That seems pretty damn insensitive. Even with tradition thrown out the window, to exclude the person cooking the baby from a baby shower seems like either the most ignorant or most asinine way of doing things. I also agree with the previous commenter that I am all about showers including both parents, even for hetero couples. Leaving one of them out always seemed like a dick move to me.

    I do agree that sometimes you have to pick your battles tho. Unless you are straight up not invited to Catch’s shower, hopefully things will smooth over fairly easily.

    • The way I see it, if both parents are going to be in attendance, the invitation should include both of them. Period. At least I’m invited! And there will be cake, so that’s always a good thing. And I guess this means that Catch can sit up at the front and ooh and ahh over the tiny baby things while everyone stares intently and I can sit comfortably in the crowd?

      • That’s the way to look at the bright side! Come to think of it, I wonder if I can go ahead and get removed from my shower invite so I can just sit in the corner and eat cake, and not have to interact with anyone. 🙂

  6. I know you and Catch have come to your own resolution about this, but I think it was super disrespectful of your SIL to exclude you from the invitations. Does she expect you to not be at the shower too? I can’t imagine how hurt you must feel, and also how awkward Catch must feel about her sister’s behaviour. I’m glad you’ve found a way to just “go with it”, and focus on the shower being for your little girl. What’s done is done, and it’s about making the best of it. I do think that your SIL should be informed about how insensitive her invitations were, perhaps after the fact.

  7. I may have the minority opinion here, but you’re the visibly pregnant mom now, everyone with working eyeballs knows that you’re about to embark on motherhood. Catch doesn’t have any visible mom-things to do until the baby is born, maybe this was her way of giving Catch special mom-to-be recognition? If that’s the case she should’ve discussed it with you guys first, since it does read as something that could be a slight.

    • I was thinking the same thing. Maybe she was trying to do something special for Catch since she’s the “invisible”parent? This is similar to men having diaper parties so they get some recognition during the pregnancy stage. Your SIL truly might not have thought of it deeply enough to realize the implications.

  8. Obviously, I don’t know all the dynamics here in the relationships but my feeling would always be that the impregnated person is usually the shower honoree unless it’s a couple party.

  9. I think you are totally justified in your feelings and I’m sure Emily Post is rolling over in her grave. Lesbian or not, how can you host a baby shower and not include the person pregnant with the baby on the invitation? I can understand your SIL wanting to make Catch feel special, but don’t totally ignore you in the process! This is the kind of thing she should have talked with y’all about ahead of time. But even then, you still list both moms on the invitation by saying something like “Help us shower Catch as she and Molly prepare to welcome baby girl”…which still seems weird to me. Sorry 😦

    • I was totally thinking about Emily Post earlier! Hah. I remember how concerned I was about proper etiquette when I was planning my wedding. I devoured every last bit of advice from that woman!

  10. I’m sorry to hear about this. I can definitely understand how it’s hurtful. I’m glad you and Catch have been able to talk about it. I hope you are feeling a bit better. Hugs! ❤

  11. Oh how upsetting! I admit, however, that I am fascinated by this if only for its novelty. A common complaint on the non-gestational parent forum I frequent is the exclusion of the non-gestational parent from these celebrations and the lack of recognition/respect it implies for the non-birthing partner, intentional or not. I have never seen the reverse before and while it does sound like this was a miscommunication of sorts, misaligned expectations and whatnot, I’m sure that doesn’t lessen the sting. Here’s hoping for a productive resolution for this incredibly awkward situation. I’m so sorry you’re hurting.

    • The way I see it, if both parents are in attendance, they should both be included on the invitation. Period. I know that Catch pours every ounce of energy she has into making sure our household is taken care of while I’m “busy” taking naps (and growing a tiny human), and she deserves just as much recognition for this pregnancy as I do. I wouldn’t want to do this without her. I would never allow her to be excluded from something like this in a million years. At the same time, I kind of took it for granted that I wouldn’t be excluded, either! Oh well–at least I’m invited.

      • Oh that’s even more odd…and offensive. I didn’t realize you were invited but not listed as a guest of honor. My apologies for missing that bit of information. How insensitive!

  12. Not putting the pregnant person’s name on the shower invite seems pretty insensitive to me. I am sorry this even had to be an issue for you. You are totally justified in your hurt feelings.

    Side note: On the flip side of this Corrie’s baby shower did not include my name and I was hurt the other way. I just had to talk myself off of a ledge and the fact that she is doing all the work so let her soak in the day.

    • I hope you don’t really believe that she’s the one doing all of the work! Yes, pregnancy is rough (especially when you add twins and GD!!!) but it’s hard on you, too. I really try to make an effort to make sure Catch knows how much I value her contributions (and they are MANY). I wouldn’t want to do this without her. Even my mom thinks the girl deserves a medal. I will happily share this spotlight with her because she deserves it. (But I deserve it, too!!!) Your name absolutely should have been on that invitation. I think it’s one thing when half of a couple says, “no–this baby shower thing is not my scene–you go on ahead and I’ll stay home and watch golf,” but that’s the exception. If both parents are in attendance, both parents should be honored on the invite somehow.

      • Oh trust me I know I am doing “work” too but I would never tell her that..ha! We did have one shower that honored us both and that was very special.

  13. Far out. How hard would it have been to include your name on the invitations? Not hard. I’m grumpy at SIL for you.
    Ugh… I reckon this is one of those situations where it falls to you to suck up your feelings and move right along… because trying to talk about it or feeling upset is just going to use up precious energy and won’t change anything. Grr!

    • Precisely! I’ve had it bottled up for 2 weeks now, and I figured if I write about it here, it’ll help me get it out of my system. And honestly, it has helped tremendously. I think I can just laugh about it and move on now. I’ll probably still give her the side eye when I see her, though. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. 😉

  14. I absolutely would be hurt by this! I can’t believe that your SIL didn’t even think to put you on the invite in some way. I do hope it was just a misunderstanding or she forgot to add your name or something along those lines. But I can absolutely see your justification with being hurt by this. You’re taking it really well though!

  15. I think after it’s all over with, if you have a good relationship with your SIL, you should talk to her about the choice of words. This will fester and get in the way for a while, but perhaps talking to her about her intention would help. She might be ignorant and not realize your feelings are hurt. Did she send you a separate invitation? That would be awkward/awful!

  16. I may not be an overtired, overly hormonal pregnant woman, but I wouldn’t be able to let that one go…you are so much better than me…Might be the NYer in me, but I woulda called my SIL and said, “Lady! What the hell!?! You’re not serious with this invite right!?!” and let it go from there. Familial peace, yada yada..OUR baby, OUR baby shower! I’m seriously so mad for you! BUT, that being said, your feelings are completely valid on this…it’s not right…I get the shower being for the baby, but there are a couple dozen people that got invites that are completely overlooking you as the other parent and the carrier at that…i would be fuming…I hope it gets sorted out and that it was sort of an oversight, but i totally see why you are so frustrated and hurt…ugh, so sorry Molly…

  17. I’d be upset too. I’m sure J’s family will throw her a shower when she is pregnant. Their excuse for not throwing one when I was pregnant was because they didn’t know the sex of the baby. Weird. Did Catch say anything to her sister about excluding you?

  18. Yeah….that’s weird. I would try to let it go as well. Maybe she had a complete brain fart on how to word things.
    But it’s weird. And awkward. And I know from awkward.

  19. That would most certainly bother me. I can see if she had at least sent you an email or something explaining or asking if it was okay to have a shower primarily for catch, but otherwise, you’re the pregnant one and the shower should include your name!

  20. Not cool. Though I have to say, I think it would feel much, much worse if it had gone the other way and only you had been named on the invite (for either shower). Being the NGP is tough. It’s kind of nice that SIL is honouring Catch’s role as a mom-to-be in this.

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