Thanks to the increased nausea, I really haven’t been too worried about today’s ultrasound… Until about 2:30 this morning, when I woke up and convinced myself that it was going to be a repeat of last week and Christmas would be ruined and I would never ever recover.
Cut to 9:30 this morning, as I was sitting with a paper gown draped over my bare lower half while my upper half was on the verge of throwing up. It wasn’t clear whether it was just the usual nausea or nerves. Most likely both. Lately I get extra pukey anytime my body gets tense—be it nerves or just because I’m cold.
Finally, we got to hear what I’ve been waiting for all week. A beautiful heartbeat. Suddenly, it felt like I could breathe again for the first time in days. I exhaled so heavily that my doctor even said, “You can breathe now.”
I am 9 weeks 5 days today and our little holiday miracle was measuring exactly 10 weeks with a galloping heart rate of 180.
We had a sort of soft graduation from the clinic. I still have one more round of blood work to complete just after New Year’s before we are officially done, but this was our last real visit with my RE. I honestly had a hard time letting go of her when I hugged her goodbye. We have been through so much with her since January. Walking away from her felt like letting go of my (really expensive) security blanket. I wish I could keep her forever.
Speaking of blankets, as we were paying the billing ladies on our way out, we had some confusion. Our total is usually 4-something for the ultrasound and blood tests, but today, they wanted $600. When we asked why, they said that the nurse had circled that the ultrasound was for two babies, which they charge extra for. My RE did stop to check on B and make sure everything still looked as it should (considering), so I told them OK and they went ahead and processed our payment. Then they said that since we’re “graduating” they have a little gift for us, and pulled out two little bags with two little baby blankets. One of them said, “When the babies are born, there’s a little card in there to fill out and mail back to us.”
Umm. Cue the awkwardness.
When we explained that we had actually lost one of the babies last week, they just about fell over apologizing to us. Suddenly, we were lost in a blur of voided credit card transactions, apologies, and promises that they would, “have a talk with that nurse.” They charged us for a normal ultrasound and sent us on our way with more apologies and well wishes. We were really okay with it all. Misunderstandings do happen, and it wasn’t the end of the world. It was just really awkward. I have a hard enough time telling myself that we lost a baby—and it’s only been a week. It’s still pretty hard to say out loud.
In the end, Catch and I walked out together, holding on to each other and our ultrasound pictures. She asked me if I’m okay, and I told her that I’m happy, but that I also feel like I’m going to cry and throw up. Something tells me she’s going to have to get used to that combination.