Balance(ish)

I want to thank you for your beautiful comments on my last post. I truly apologize for not responding to all of you. I’ve been having a really hard time going back to that post, and I just don’t think I can read all of your words again right now. Please just know that Catch and I both read every comment, and we are so grateful for your support.

I think I’ve been managing my feelings pretty well—especially considering the hormonal overload. I do have a couple of triggers that make everything worse if I think about them.

  • Vanishing Twin. Words cannot describe how much I hate this terminology. It truly makes me sad and angry. Baby B is not a rabbit that some magician disappeared into a top hat. Baby B did not vanish. Baby B died. There is no nice way of saying it. One day, our baby had a beating heart, and the next day she didn’t. I saw our baby clear as day on the ultrasound, so don’t talk to me about vanishing anything. I am still carrying Baby B weeks after her death, and even if I wasn’t, you cannot tell me that ANY baby whose heartbeat you have seen and heard could ever just “vanish.” The medical community needs to give that one some thought.
  • Most miscarriage results in ultimately experiencing a physical loss. Whether it’s natural, surgical, or induced with drugs, somehow, that baby is removed from your body and there is some finality to that. I know this is going to sound so crude, but it’s really upsetting me that I am carrying our dead baby with me everywhere I go—and have been for weeks. I can’t wrap my head around that. It’s surreal. My uterus is an embryo coffin. It’s like something you’d read in a disturbing collection of short stories. This is what nightmares are made of, and I am so, so ready to wake up.

If I try not to allow myself to visit either of these topics, I can almost pretend that everything is okay. The world does continue to turn, after all.

Speaking of the world turning, on Saturday morning we woke up in the most comfortable bed in the world at the Four Seasons. (Long story, but it was work related.) While we waited for room service to deliver breakfast (!), we spent a good bit of time cuddled up in that fluffy bed celebrating that Baby A has reached the 9 week mark and has officially graduated from embryo to fetus. Pretty fantastic if you ask me.

I am beyond lucky that my little silver lining is so freaking shiny.

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12 thoughts on “Balance(ish)

  1. I adore your last line in this post “I am beyond lucky that my little silver lining is so freaking shiny.” While I can only imagine how hard this is for you, I truly hope you remember that shiny silver lining whenever you are having a tough go of it.
    Sending you love and wishing Baby A continued good health!

  2. I wholeheartedly agree with MPB! That last line is simply fabulous and radiates positivity 🙂 glad baby A is doing so well.
    I’m so sorry about Baby B 😦 you’re right that in your case vanishing twin is not applicable and that term should be removed from circulation. I realized I used that term in my last comment and I didn’t mean to cause you more hurt or pain by using that terminology. Big hugs.

  3. I am so sorry for the two things that you pointed out are so upsetting. I agree that is a terrible medical term. I remember having my missed miscarriage and wanting the D & C immediately and I feel so compassionate for you right now. In the midst of it all, I’m happy for your beautiful Baby A. Being in the fetal stage is so exciting and I’m glad to be right here with you. Congratulations on your shiny silver lining.

  4. Glad you are able to find a silver lining, and that it’s super shiny for you ladies. Baby A is officially a fetus, and that is great news! I wish there really were another term for the loss that you have experienced…doesn’t seem fair to disregard that little life like that…thinking of you guys and sending you huge hugs from Callie and I…

    • Thanks for all of your support! You really leave the greatest comments. They always make me feel better. I hope Callie’s feeling okay! I’ve been thinking about you guys!

  5. Thank you for noting the triggers–that’s a huge part of the conversation, especially as society struggles to have it in increasingly meaningful and important ways.

    I also wanted to comment and reach out to Catch specifically. As an NGP myself I am chagrined not to have done so in my previous comment. In some ways it’s an even more surreal form of grieving to have lost a pregnancy that one’s own body wasn’t carrying and I hope she is getting the support she needs from that perspective as well. I know there IS an NGP loss support group on Facebook but I think it’s secret, a spin-off of another (general) NGP group.

    In any case my very best wishes to your whole family. I hope the holiday season brings light.

  6. Oh my goodness Molly, I don’t know how I missed that last post! I am feeling all of the feels for the life of Baby B right now, and I want you to know how special it is that you shared her existence with all of us. Nothing any of us says is going to heal the hurt, but hopefully the act of sharing it has helped you feel stability or comfort as you go. I am so so happy about your super shiny silver lining. ❤

  7. Hey you.. I just wanted to comment and let you know that I’ve been thinking about you lots. It also occurred to me that I didn’t know if you were following “So You’re Saying there’s a chance” http://soyouresayingtheresachance.wordpress.com I know not many people can understand your pain, but this blogger can. She also lost a twin and has blogged about her feelings delivering one baby. I’m not sure if it will help or hurt, but I thought I’d let that be up to you and you can check it out if you’re not following her already.

    Sending lots of love.

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