As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be

I am usually pretty good with words, but I am struggling to write this. Maybe because putting it out there for everyone to read makes it that much more real.

We lost one of the babies.

Baby A is beautiful and healthy and measuring 8 weeks 5 days with a strong heartbeat of 173 beats per minute.

Baby B stopped growing sometime late in week 6 and there is no longer a heartbeat.

I feel so many things right now. Heartbroken for the little life we lost. Grateful, relieved, and terrified for the one we still have. Foolish for yesterday’s misplaced faith that we would escape this unscathed.

I spent so many weeks waiting for the rug to be pulled out from beneath us. It’s par for the course that the moment I started to get excited that it’s all really happening, the universe took it upon itself to remind me who is in charge. I’m so sorry, universe—how could I have forgotten? Could you really think of no better way to make your point?

It’s like our acceptance letter to this amazing, magical world has been revoked, and it hurts so much. At the same time, I feel like I’m not allowed to hurt because we still have one. I know how incredibly blessed we are to still have so much even after we have lost its equal.

How do you celebrate one life and mourn the loss of another simultaneously? I guess we’re in the process of finding out.

36 thoughts on “As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be

  1. I’m so sorry. I’ve read a lot of loss posts over the past few years, but yours really hit me in the gut. I’m so glad your other little one is still doing okay, but I can’t express how much I wish you had a better overall outcome today.

  2. Oh, this sounds so very very hard. I’m so sorry this is happening. You are allowed all the complex feelings you have, although I’m sure that’s little solace while having them. Sending you light and love.

  3. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss, just so sorry. You are absolutely allowed to hurt, and I can only imagine the range of emotions you are feeling right now. My brother lost one of their twins at about 20 weeks, I have no idea how they got through it, but they did and the one surviving twin is an amazing little boy who brings so much joy to their (and our) lives.
    I hope with time your heart heals and you are able to revel in the joy that your little one will bring you. Sending you lots of love.

  4. What if, instead of viewing it as a loss, recognize it as simply what was always meant to be? You’re getting the baby/being meant for you, at the right time. It’s only because of science that you knew so early to begin with. Without an early scan you wouldn’t have known and you’d simply be overjoyed with the one. It’s ok to mourn what could have been, but don’t give it more power. This is what it is meant to be and will work out for the best.

    • I had to go to a meeting but want to explain a bit more.
      When we were looking at this pregnancy knowing there were two eggs that dropped, we had some discussions with our guides who explained that there was only one soul waiting for us, but two bodies. This occasionally happens when there’s science involved in getting pregnant. Now, there can be an advantage to having two bodies to start with. It allows the soul to see which body is going to be better for it and the then unused body is reabsorbed or shed. But either way, there isn’t a loss of a baby, because there was only one soul to begin with, and that one soul is still with you, waiting on that remaining body to grow.

      The mourning process is for all that you imagined would come – not because a soul is no longer with you. This isn’t a bad thing, you haven’t done anything wrong, and this isn’t the universe trying to slap you around. This is the natural, normal, kinda messy part of growing new humans. It’s emotionally trying, and often not so much fun. It will be ok though. Do what you need to in order to process this. My only goal is to provide another perspective. It’s ok if you don’t buy it.

      • I love this further explanation of your previous comment butchjax as my reaction to the first one was one of misunderstanding. This explanation follows the thinking of a book I read called Spirit Babies by a man called Walter Makichen (sp) that I read when I was deeply grieving my miscarriages.
        HoundMamas, I so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine how it will be to both grieve and celebrate simultaneously – and I guess trusting that the remaining twin will be fine will possibly take you a long while too. My closest comparison is that our first baby was supposed to be the first grandchild in our family, & first great grandchild on one side too. Then my bro & his wife got pregnant 2 weeks later. So ours would’ve been first but there would’ve been two potentially born even on the same day. Then we lost ours, then we lost another 3 and a half mths later. Meanwhile my SIL’s pregnancy progressed perfectly & the first grandchild was born 1 week exactly after ours was due. Watching our niece grow without our own baby alongside her has been difficult in the extreme. I’m glad you will have a baby to watch grow, but I can imagine the hole that you will experience at the same time. Sending you love.

      • Yeah, I kinda suck at just saying “I’m sorry you went through this and it sucks.” For me, the comfort comes in other perspectives, from seeing it from my spiritual understanding. That’s why the failed IUIs and one very early miscarriage didn’t bother me emotionally (as long as I didn’t stop to think about money…). I knew it would happen, just had to work out all the details, including getting the right body for Peanut. But that was all early. If something happened now I would be completely devastated. I do not want to minimize the pain of miscarriage. I guess I just have a different take, especially on the early ones, since those are in everyone’s best interest. The miscarriage doesn’t happen for no reason early on, but because the conditions weren’t right. Anyway…Not trying to make things worse. It’s all complicated.

  5. I’m sorry. I can’t image the feelings you’re going through. I think it’s very understandable to be hurting from the loss.
    I’m relieved baby a is doing well, and really hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful.

  6. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s really interesting how we conceptualize loss when it happens inside of us, and even more so when you’re aware that there is still another beautiful life thriving inside of you. It is bittersweet, and I can certainly sense how grateful you feel to have the one. Hugs to you two, and know that we are sending warm healing thoughts from Canada.

  7. I’m so very sorry for the loss of baby B 😦 huge hugs. I understand all too well the conflicting emotions a vanishing twin causes. I’m so glad Baby A is nice and strong.

  8. I am so, so very sorry for your loss. I audibly gasped when I read this. My heart hurts for you. I hope you can find a way to both grieve the loss of this child and celebrate the joy of your other. Sending so much love and many hugs your way!

  9. Oh my gosh Molly, I am so sorry to hear about Baby B, and so happy that Baby A is growing. Miscarriage is a terrible, awful thing, just heartbreaking and confusing and I wish you didn’t have to go through it. It’s okay to have all of your feelings right now, every single one. I’m sure you’re hurting tonight and you and Catch are mourning, while at the same time trying to enjoy the continuation of your pregnancy. I’m ending you a hug and prayers.

  10. I am so deeply sorry and terribly sad to hear this. You do not “have” to feel or be anything – grateful, positive, tight-lipped, stoic – when you grieve Baby B. I expect that your grief will live in your heart as long as you wish Baby B would have lived, waxing and waning as grief does but always there in memoriam to the precious life you loved and lost far too soon. Be. Feel. There are no obligations here. Baby A knows how much you want and love her/him. And so does Baby B. Sending much love and a huge hug.

  11. There are no words that I can say that would bring you and Catch any comfort right now. So please just know that my thoughts are with you, Catch, and Baby A. Baby A needs your strength and love more than ever right now, and you are the perfect mommy to give that to him/her 🙂

  12. Oh Molly. I hardly know what to say but I am thinking of you and wishing you peace in the coming weeks, months, and years. What a complicated mess of emotions to be processing–please know that grief and joy will never dishonor each other. Both are valid, both are needed, and both will make you stronger. For now, though, let yourself feel however you feel and know that there are many people rooting for you and your family. My sincerest sympathies.

  13. I’m so sorry.. Allow yourself to feel the emotions as they come. It’s okay to grieve. Lemon Drop said it best- ‘please know that grief and joy never dishonor each other. Both are valid and are needed and both will make you stronger.’ Sending you big hugs and lots of love.

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