I am usually pretty good with words, but I am struggling to write this. Maybe because putting it out there for everyone to read makes it that much more real.
We lost one of the babies.
Baby A is beautiful and healthy and measuring 8 weeks 5 days with a strong heartbeat of 173 beats per minute.
Baby B stopped growing sometime late in week 6 and there is no longer a heartbeat.
I feel so many things right now. Heartbroken for the little life we lost. Grateful, relieved, and terrified for the one we still have. Foolish for yesterday’s misplaced faith that we would escape this unscathed.
I spent so many weeks waiting for the rug to be pulled out from beneath us. It’s par for the course that the moment I started to get excited that it’s all really happening, the universe took it upon itself to remind me who is in charge. I’m so sorry, universe—how could I have forgotten? Could you really think of no better way to make your point?
It’s like our acceptance letter to this amazing, magical world has been revoked, and it hurts so much. At the same time, I feel like I’m not allowed to hurt because we still have one. I know how incredibly blessed we are to still have so much even after we have lost its equal.
How do you celebrate one life and mourn the loss of another simultaneously? I guess we’re in the process of finding out.