8 Weeks Tomorrow

I’m really struggling with finding my place right now. I don’t feel like I belong in Club Pregnancy, and I also feel like a bit of a fraud hanging out in Club Infertility. I’m not really sure where that leaves me. All I know is that I’m just going to keep writing my blog the way I always have. Everything is changing—and fast—but I am still just me.

That said, I bought a pregnancy book specific to multiples because most of the usual pregnancy book suspects gloss over multiples with a single page about how you’ll see your doctor more often. My book arrived a couple of days ago and every time I see the cover from across the room I have a mini panic attack. I read a few pages of the introduction last night, and it’s really not sinking in that this book is not leisure reading for the sake of curiosity. This book is my life for the next 30-ish weeks. Multiples! Me! How did this happen? (Don’t answer that.)

Side note: I was on a multiples message board asking for book recommendations, and many people recommended this particular book, When You’re Expecting Twins, Triplets or Quads. One woman said that when she was pregnant with her twins and feeling exceptionally lousy, she would read some of the things that pertain to quads and it would instantly make her feel better. I like her perspective.

Also on the multiples front, I have some advice to offer: When you find out you are pregnant with twins, refrain from googling twin pregnancy belly shots. Some of them seriously defy gravity. Like there is no way that woman should be standing upright. She should have fallen over onto her face. It’s terrifying.

I’m still feeling pretty lousy overall. It’s mostly the nausea that’s setting me back. I’m two days into the Unisom + B6 trick though, and it does seem like it’s helping. It’s not perfect, but it’s a little bit better. Yesterday afternoon was rough, but I recovered by dinner time and only felt really sick again at bedtime when I got cold. So far, today hasn’t been too bad. It sure beats the constant misery of the last week.

Almost as bad as the nausea is the injection site(s) of the progesterone in oil. On Wednesday, I had to stop in to have my nurse take a look at it because I had a swollen lump on my back the size of my fist that felt like a thousand burning needles were trying to burst forth from it. Unfortunately, I’ve been informed that this reaction is par for the course after 3 weeks of daily injections, and that I have at least another couple of weeks to go. I walked out of the office, sat in my car and cried. Today, the lump is smaller, and the pain is a bit less, but I’m also dealing with numbness and itching. I have said it a thousand times, but I don’t think I truly believed it until now: PROGESTERONE IS EVIL.

I know that 75% of you reading this are probably cursing me for freaking out about twins and complaining about nausea, and I am truly sorry. It’s not that I am not beyond grateful to be here right now. I am. I may not be able to wrap my head around it just yet, but I know the excitement is coming. I do not take one moment of this pregnancy for granted. I’m just working through an entirely new set of fears, and it’s caught me pretty off guard. My head needs some time to catch up with my heart, because my heart is totally enamored with these two little parasitic monsters.

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34 thoughts on “8 Weeks Tomorrow

  1. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like you belong anywhere anymore. Still being pre-ultrasound, I feel more part of the infertility club still than the pregnancy club… but you are right, it kind of makes you feel like a fraud.

    Also, I definitely get your PiO pain. My hips are full of lumps and sore all the time. Every shot is more and more painful (when they used to barely hurt at all). And a couple shots ago we hit a nerve, and now I have a numb spot on my hip/ass cheek. I will be so glad when these are done.

  2. I love reading your blog and your journey. The struggle you feel trying to adjust to finally being pregnant, and a multiple at that will eventually become your new normal and then when you have your babies in your arms you will probably feel this way about pregnancy and now being a new mother. I love your honesty and ability to write in a way that makes me feel like I truly am on this journey. And about the complaining (not that I believe that it’s complaining) let it all out, it only helps someone else going through the same things and will be really great to read later on. It’s nice to read some truth, that’s what I’ve learnt from the TTC community. 😀

  3. I couldn’t have said this better myself… I had such a hard time writing about pregnancy when I was so accustomed to writing about infertility and loss… It felt like I was abandoning my team! I’m glad you found a book specifically for multiples, we probably could have used that… We relied a little too much on Google 🙂 Congrats again!! Twins are the coolest! ❤️

  4. I kind of feel the same way, although I feel like I almost never belonged to any club, getting pregnant on our first try… But I still don’t feel “legitimately” pregnant yet, either. And although I know you want to be sensitive to the women out there still trying and possibly struggling to conceive, you have to live your own experience. I’m having trouble feeling excited, too, even though my wife and everyone else is over the moon.

    • I guess we just need more time for it to really sink in! I’ll probably have less trouble denying it once I have some physical proof that they’re in there. Apparently the ultrasounds aren’t doing enough to convince me! How are you feeling these days?

  5. I felt the same way as you for a long while. I think it was just recently (I’m 18 weeks today), that I’ve felt I’m in club pregnant. I’ve started to buy most of the baby stuff, so yeah, it is really real now.

  6. I would be terrified to be pregnant with twins and I really want to be pregnant. I don’t really worry about clubs although now that our fourth attempt has failed (and it’s been a year since we started doing prep work like charting) I may belong in club infertile.

  7. I’m glad to hear the nausea is getting a bit better and hope that continues. I hear you on the lumps with PIO. Hang in there! I agree that it is evil. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be preparing for twins. I have not exactly accepted the reality that I am pregnant because I didn’t think it would ever really happen. I also am not sure where I fit, but I hope you will continue to blog here. Thinking of you and sending lots of good energy your way!

  8. In my opinion, you have no reason to worry about upsetting those of us still activity in the IF club. First, no-one ever said actually being pregnant is easy and all sunshine and roses, so you should be allowed to express your concerns and even complain if you want! Maybe the IF road has given you some perspective, but just because you’ve walked the IF road doesn’t mean you have to now transform into some sort of perfect pregnant lady (if such a thing even exists). Second, you are right, this is your blog so you get to do what you want with it. People will follow if they want to, and if they don’t, for whatever reason they don’t have to. Third, I suspect with time you will become more accustom to the twin idea (mainly because you really don’t have a choice), and you will be able to make the best of it. 🙂 And lastly, I don’t care what club you decide to consider yourself part of(IF, IF graduate, pregnant, etc.), I’m still super excited for you and I’m really excited to continue to follow your journey!

  9. I totally googled pictures of twin pregnancies, and came across a picture of a triplet pregnancy and kinda went “phew! Glad she won’t look like that!” So i totally get that! The PIO shots were terrible for Callie, especially because it’s for sucha long time. We did them until callie was almost 9 weeks. It was more painful when she did them every other day, so get prepared for that (just a heads up). What we started doing was making little marks (because you kind of have like a 2×2 space you can inject in, so try and use the whole area and alternate sides. It helps a little (according to the wife). Callie’s new fears are the “will this hurt to deliver?” “I seriously have to feel that twice?” “What if i shit myself when i push?” “What if i tear?” Turns out all of these fears will be there throughtout your pregnancy and that they are TOTALLY VALID! Don’t apologize for being human and for being scared. Validly scared. This Twin shit is no joke! But you always have us!

    • You are absolutely right about twin shit being no joke. I feel like everyone just hears twins and thinks, “OMG! SO cute! You’re so lucky!” No one really realizes that twin pregnancies actually have some pretty significant increased risks. I’m not counting myself lucky until I can get through pregnancy reasonably unscathed and take home two reasonably healthy babies!

  10. Oh yeah! Twin Bumps freak me right out! And being a fluffy proportioned girl I went one further and googled plus size twin belly shots! And the B Belly! Yikes! Then logic stepped in and I keep thinking there’s no changing this … Time to suck it up princess!

    I’m glad you’re going to keep blogging. I stopped because I didn’t quite know how to continue or where I fit and didn’t want others to think I was rubbing their nose in my success. I do kinda regret it. But I still merrily follow along rooting (most often silently) for others!

    I hope your pills help a little more every day and I hope your stabs hurt a little less every day!

    • Oh my gosh, I didn’t even know about the B Belly, and now that I’ve googled it, I am absolutely certain that is going to be me. How unfortunate. I already have the worst belly shape. Maybe twins will help it be less of an issue. I guess there’s an advantage to having two in there, huh?

  11. I feel for you with the progesterone shots. My fragmin injections are the worst too. Last night I hit a vein, and blood sprayed out of me like a fountain. It was so crazy I am planning on posting about it soon lol. I am excited and happy for you to “graduate” in a way, from trying to get pregnant to being pregnant and all of the challenges that come with that. I look forward to continuing to hearing how the rest of it goes. I have a feeling it will fly by for you.

  12. I think we all feel that way at first. I know I did until I found out the gender and started to show. I felt a little silly wearing my halloween baby shirt because you couldn’t really see my tiny bump in it. I would practically hide if I saw a woman with an impressive bump go by!

    • LOL! I can relate, though. I was reading a pregnancy book in a cafe at lunch the other day and every time someone looked at me, I felt like I should hide it! These mind games we play with ourselves are so silly!

      • Lol! That’s like when I was barely showing and went to buy the Palmers cocoa butter for stretch marks. I felt so sheepish buying it, like I needed to explain to the cashier I really was pregnant!

  13. I think I’m not blogging as often as I thought I would once I was pregnant because I do kinda feel that constant updates of how I feel being pregnant might suck for people who are struggling with TTC. But reading everyone’s comments – Nonbellymama’d in particular gives me good perspective. 🙂

  14. Two Chicks, Two Hounds, Two Babies.. 😉
    I apologize if this was said already but I couldn’t resist.
    The part about defying gravity made me chuckle, reluctantly though because we haven’t had our ultrasound yet. I *think* what you are feeling is “normal” and I am glad you, and everyone else here, has a platform and the comfort to vent. Keep your head up lady.

  15. A few weeks ago my heart would have hurt reading you freak out about twins when I was still aching over losing one of the two we transferred this time but I would never curse you. Good heavens! I can totally relate to the PIO agony. I’m about 2 weeks ahead of you and I won’t be getting let off the PIO or Estrace soon because of the immune flare (both have an ameliorative effect on the immune system) which nearly made me cry because I was sure by 10-12 weeks I would be tapering down and off. Know that I am empathizing with you and your lumpy sore behind! As for feeling homeless in blogville, I hear you but those of us following and caring about you and your saga are in it for the long haul and want to see you succeed even if some of us may need to step away from time to time based on events and emotions in our own lives. Be you. Be true. Write on. It’s your blog. All the best!

  16. The first time I was pregnant, I felt this way. I couldn’t believe it was happening so fast! But you have worked so hard for this and sometime near the end of the first tri, I’m sure it’ll sink in and you’ll feel for comfortable. I can relate though, I often feel like a little kid pretending to be a 36-year-old pregnant woman. It’s our time! I’m so sick too, threw up today. It’s miserable, but it also feels like reassurance that everything’s okay. I hope the unisom and b6 work for you and you start to feel better!

  17. I really love the honesty of this post. I can totally relate to what you’re feeling. I went through so many stages with this pregnancy…fear, guilt, panic, elation, more panic! But I’m just trying to take it as the gift it is. You’re writing your own story. No one else’s. You’re in your own club!! Try to embrace it :). And those PIO shots…I was counting down the days till they were over. My ass was so freaking itchy…I wanted to jam a fork in my skin to scratch it from the inside. Ice helps before and heat helps after.

    So a bit about that book. I read (ie skimmed) the whole thing in one evening. And then I put it away and decided to never read it again. There is no possible way I could consume the calories they suggested…and I didn’t have any nausea! I think there is enough fear in carrying twins and I don’t want to make it worse. So proceed with caution and don’t freak out if you can’t stomach 3,500 calories a day. Of all healthy food.

    • You are so right about the book! I read a bunch of it over the weekend, and the calorie guidelines are insane. Maybe I could consume 3,000+ calories a day if I was living on pizza and donuts, but there is only so much lean meat and green vegetables I can stomach, and it certainly doesn’t amount to that many calories! I do appreciate the information, though. It’s interesting to be aware of, but I’m not going to make myself crazy about it. Especially at this point. For now, I eat what I can when I can and call it good enough!

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