I’m feeling pretty quiet right now. Mostly because 90% of the time I feel like if I open my mouth I’m going to be sick, and the other 10% of the time I am too busy shoving food into my mouth to talk. It’s a very contradictory dynamic.

I remember sitting here sometime early last week wishing for some pregnancy symptoms. Wish granted. I am not a violent person, but I would like to go back to the me of a week ago and give her a good hard kick in the shin.

I’m not really complaining, though. It isn’t fun, but there is certainly some peace of mind in every sip of room temperature ginger ale. (This is my favorite–it actually tastes like ginger.)  I am hoping for even more peace of mind at tomorrow’s ultrasound. Nothing would make me more grateful this Thanksgiving than a heartbeat (or two).

Speaking of two, I haven’t yet wrapped my head around the whole twin thing. I know I won’t feel like it’s real until/unless we hear two heartbeats this week. Right now, the idea of twins is just floating around in my head causing total panic at completely inopportune moments—like 3 am when I wake up to use the bathroom and then toss and turn for a few hours trying to figure out how on earth we will be able to afford to put two babies in day care. Catch says we’ll find a way, but at 3 am all I can see is our future family of 4 + 2 dogs living in a tent in my mother’s back yard. Fortunately, it has only snowed in Los Angeles twice in my lifetime.

It’s not that I’m not excited. I’m just also scared. And I’m kind of upset with myself for being so scared about everything. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy it and not worry about things like miscarriage and finances. I’d like to start knitting a baby hat or two without fear of jinxing everything. (I know—totally irrational—still can’t help it.) Catch is pinning twin things on Pinterest and my mother is looking at houses and talking mortgages, and I’d like to just curl up in a corner under a blanket with my fingers in my ears and make it all go away for a little while. Maybe it’s just too much, too soon, but can you even say that after spending the last 21 months focused on starting a family?  Too soon?  The me of two months ago would probably love to give me another good kick to the shin for that one.


22 thoughts on “Quiet

  1. I’m also pregnant with twins as well…I hit 16 weeks tomorrow (eeekkk!). I can identify with everything you’re going through right now. It’s so overwhelming. Especially the financial stuff. I have a girlfriend who has twin boys and she assures me it will all work out. Stop worrying and enjoy the ride. Easier said than done, I know. But people have made it work with a lot less so I’m trying to just chill the eff out! I’m sorry you’ve been so sick. Hopefully it will be short lived!

  2. I love your honesty in this post.
    First, I don’t for a second think just because you spent 21 months trying, you should be expected to love everything pregnancy. Maybe you will have a bit more appreciation for it, but you sure don’t have to love being sick on a daily basis.
    Second, you are allowed to be scared of everything right now. Scared of miscarriage, scared of starting to make little hats and jinxing everything, scared of the finances, etc. But, you are also allowed to enjoy the moments of happiness, hope and excitement. So, while they may be fleeting, I do hope you can enjoy them. 🙂

    • Thank you for saying all of this! It was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I am definitely trying to enjoy the little things as I am able. I’m really excited for tomorrow’s ultrasound. I’m hoping it goes well and that it will give me the wake up call I need so I can start accepting that this is our new normal for a while!

  3. Can you just let them do what they’re doing, and you focus on you? For them, it’s helpful to do those things. For you it isn’t. Your job is to find ways to get nourishment and rest. Find your own stress relief in your own way and don’t worry about what they’re doing.

    I would recommend asking the doctor about ways to reduce the nausea. There are some medications you can take safely. Also, the more random foods you find that you can eat the better. Perhaps some cinnamon applesauce? That often helped with me. Simple pastas (mac and cheese actually worked a lot of the time). Also, Newman’s makes a ginger mint that I found in the convenience store that helped me more than any preggie pop or medication. Every little bit helps. And really it’s for you, because babies take what they need from your body.

    This will pass, but it’s impossible to know when. Don’t get down on yourself, just do your best. I couldn’t take my prenatals for months due to the nausea and she’s fine. I take them as best I can now to replenish my own body. I still have trouble brushing my teeth, so I use more mouthwash than before, but even that can get me gagging. So the evenings are still my challenge, but that’s relatively minor compared to not eating much for months.

    Hang in there! It’s a marathon of a journey and you have plenty of time to deal with things later. Focus on you this trimester, that’s your only job.

    • Also remember that morning sickness is the body’s way of protecting babies. Those with morning sickness are more likely to have a safe pregnancy than those who don’t. Strange but true!

    • Thanks so much for all of the support! I do plan to ask my doctor about the nausea issues tomorrow. I can mostly handle it except that I’m having a really hard time drinking even remotely enough water (or liquids of any kind), and I know that’s not good. Usually I can guzzle water like mad. I’m going to look for those ginger mints. I saw that Altoids also makes a ginger mint, so I’ve been trying to keep my eyes out for those as well.

      I actually did talk to my mom this morning after I wrote this post and asked her if we can squash the house talk for the moment. I need a few more weeks to get with the program. Once the shock wears off, I’m sure I’ll get excited about it.

      Hi to Peanut! 🙂

      • I found the nausea was gas more than anything. That’s why candies and stuff didn’t work well – they introduce more air. And only carbonated beverages helped when it got bad because it allowed me to burp. So, keep that in mind. Try getting the gelusil antacids which are also antigas and safe for pregnancy. If you can get it down (I know that’s a trick) it can help a lot and allow you to then drink water after. And I tried sparkling water. That was evil. lol

  4. Oh hon, I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed. I completely understand – the first time I was pregnant I felt like it was happening so fast and I wasn’t ready. It’s just the feeling of such a gigantic life event. I’m still jealous that you have twins, but I also totally would feel the way you do, if I had them! It’s funny how similar we are; I’ve been guzzling Reed’s extra ginger brew. I’ve been waking up for two hours in the wee hours of the morning thinking about how to financially survive pregnancy leave. I’ve been worried about being pregnant and having a nursery in our humble apartment. And we have scans on the same day tomorrow! Also, we’re both excited to start knitting! I have a question: if we both continue to be pregnant, God willing, we could get together in person and knit and talk about our pregnancies. Our due dates are two days apart. I have very good boundaries and not super social, and I think it would be nice to try this! We live in west central LA (Miracle Mile). Let me know what you think. Try to focus on the gift of heartbeats, right before turkey day. Sending you a hug!

    • We really do have some pretty fantastic parallels right now! It’s nice to see that I’m not alone in this craziness. And I totally feel you on the apartment issue. We are in a teeny tiny triplex right on the border of Toluca Lake & Burbank, and we have no choice but to move. 600 sq ft and one bedroom will not accommodate all of us for much longer! I am going to miss it, though. We have the most fantastic back yard–I’m actually pretty sure our yard is bigger than our entire apartment. Perhaps we do need to consider getting together! We can have our very own pregnant LA lesbian knitting blogger club. 🙂

      • A back yard in LA is rare. That sounds awesome, but yes, a 1-br wont do for you, Catch, and twins! Im excited for both of our US today; good luck! Once we get past this scary part, maybe we can find a Sunday afternoon or something.

  5. Hey…I conceived my son literally the same week I got in a car accident. The next 20 weeks that followed included spending my 1st trimester on crutches/in pain, a new FT job, a semester of FT grad school, buying and moving into our first house, and managing with one car/eventually buying another new car.

    If I did all that through pregnancy, you can handle anything. 😉

    But seriously though. Don’t get down on yourself for feeling overwhelmed. Those of us in this community spend so much time and effort and emotions just TRYING to create a damn family that by the time it actually happens, we’re like “WHOA. Hold on. I’m like, pregnant now? I’m going to actually have a baby now? This is too much!” It’s a lot to process. Truly, it is.

    And the idea of twins is daunting. I know it’s hard not to think about it but try not to stress until you get that ultrasound! I had crazy tripling beta numbers that thankfully only ended up in a very healthy singleton (though there are days I wish we could’ve had two because we so desperately want more than one child…but with my RPL history, I think again and say “ehhhh better just to do one at a time). It’s overwhelming for sure. But I know you and Catch will be able to handle anything that comes your way. You’ve been through so much to start with! Don’t forget that!

    Be kind to yourself, hun. Nausea is great and reassuring, but it still sucks a lot. And suddenly being faced with the idea that this all finally might really play out is really overwhelming. We know you’re grateful. You’re allowed to feel how you’re feeling. Really.

    And well if there’s anyone who makes you feel otherwise, screw ’em. I can tell you right now you’ve got one person who totally gets where you’re coming from. There are days I want to crawl under the covers with my fingers in my ears, too. 🙂 Hang in there, girl. And gooooooood LUCK on your ultrasound. Hoping for healthy healthy healthy, however many there are. ❤

    • You have been a freaking pregnancy rock star with everything you’ve had on your plate! I honestly don’t know how you’ve managed everything. It’s pretty amazing! I know it hasn’t been all graceful, but you sure are doing it!

      Thank you so much for all of the kind words and support. This really is a lot to process. I’m sure I’ll get with the program eventually, but for now, I’m going to get comfortable with that blanket over my head!

  6. Twins scared THE SHIT outta me. Even though, i swear to you, Catch and I are the same person. I was freaking out about finances, and daycare, and getting 2 of everything, and our small apartment, and “oMG all that laundry!”. Honestly, Callie’s mom said something to us when we first told them that sort of changed it all for me. “You make it work! You always make it work” She said, even if one of you has to stay home to watch the babies, and clip coupons, and only get sale stuff, or wear the same clothes for 3 years, or go to consigment stores, you make it work! I can’t picture 5 or 6 of us in a 2 bedroom apartment eating “BUtcher’s Specials” everynight, but it sure as hell beats the picture of us on the street in a cardboard box. Enjoy it honey. Leave the stressing for later. For now, you’re pregnantand that’s amazing! You’re loved, and that’s everything. And you have 2 tiny humans that will call you Mommy in a few short months. And short is an understatement. Sending a huge hug!

    • Besides, twins doesn’t actually mean two of everything. Some of the best advice I read was to wait on a lot of things (ask for gift cards) because while one may be fine with it’s seat or carrier or something, the other may hate it. And while yes, you’ll need twice as many diapers or clothes, you can hopefully count on people’s sympathy to give you a bit more for the shower. 😉

      I’m grateful every day that I didn’t get twins, and the second egg/blast reabsorbed before the 6 week scan. But we weren’t meant for twins. You guys are, which means you can handle it. It may be insane many times, but you’re equipped for it already. Channel your inner badass and release the fear.

      • That was also a really good piece of advice that I got from a twin dad actually. One kid hated the swing while the other one loved it, and he loved the bouncer while the other one hated it. It was at a MOMs thing (Mothers of Multiples). He said it was such a waste of money. And if they both like it, then you alternate them, which I found to be good advice too. And you’re right! You are given what’s intended for you! You got this Molly!

  7. All of your feelings are completely normal. Reality is so different than fantasy and that includes pregnancy, especially a twin pregnancy. It’s exciting and terrifying and nauseating all at once. Sending you hugs and will be stalking tomorrow to see your awesome update tomorrow after your ultrasound!

  8. Hunny, when you have been trying for as long as we have, you are scared to be happy because it’s such a foreign concept. You will come to feel safe and comfortable to problem solve your financials in your own time. For now, just focus on the two beautiful creatures leeching nutrients and setting up shop in your uterus. Lol. Really, it’s pretty amazing! As for buying stuff, I have held off from buying baby stuff because of superstition, but I’m gonna go all “George Costanza” and do an Opposite Day thing. I am going to buy cute baby shit if I want because NOT buying shit hasn’t done much for me so far. Plus, the law of attraction right? Can’t wait to hear/read about tomorrow!!!! On the edge of my seat!!!

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