It’s not anymore.
I am less than 24 hours out from our first scan and the damn bleeding is back. It’s actually a bit heavier this time. Still spotting—not a “flow”—but it’s more than enough to freak me out (again). I made it all week last week without any bleeding, so I really thought it was behind me. I absolutely didn’t expect to see it again.
I can’t even tell you how much I hate this part. It is absolutely terrifying. One minute, I am so sure that everything is going to be okay and then wham—reality check. I’d really like to spend the rest of today beneath a rock somewhere.
I don’t know why I thought this would be the easy part. It seemed like failed IUIs, IVF, and uterine polyps were the hard part, but no. The minute I saw two lines on that pregnancy test, I started worrying like I have never worried before. Before, all we had to lose was a dream (and our savings account). Now we have an actual, tiny little thing to lose. It’s so different.
I am trying really hard to have faith that this is nothing. My betas were high. My progesterone looked great on Friday. I’m just not very good at the whole “faith” thing. I need proof. Give me something concrete to work with. I wish I could be one of those people who can just believe, but I don’t seem to have that in me. All I can do is hope. It’s not a lot, but it’s all I’ve got.