Red used to be my favorite color.

It’s not anymore.

I am less than 24 hours out from our first scan and the damn bleeding is back. It’s actually a bit heavier this time. Still spotting—not a “flow”—but it’s more than enough to freak me out (again). I made it all week last week without any bleeding, so I really thought it was behind me. I absolutely didn’t expect to see it again.

I can’t even tell you how much I hate this part. It is absolutely terrifying. One minute, I am so sure that everything is going to be okay and then wham—reality check. I’d really like to spend the rest of today beneath a rock somewhere.

I don’t know why I thought this would be the easy part. It seemed like failed IUIs, IVF, and uterine polyps were the hard part, but no. The minute I saw two lines on that pregnancy test, I started worrying like I have never worried before. Before, all we had to lose was a dream (and our savings account). Now we have an actual, tiny little thing to lose. It’s so different.

I am trying really hard to have faith that this is nothing. My betas were high. My progesterone looked great on Friday. I’m just not very good at the whole “faith” thing. I need proof. Give me something concrete to work with. I wish I could be one of those people who can just believe, but I don’t seem to have that in me. All I can do is hope. It’s not a lot, but it’s all I’ve got.

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24 thoughts on “Red used to be my favorite color.

  1. I’m sure everything is fine-especially if it is light. My friend (yoga girl-maybe you’ve heard of her?) bled all the way through her first trimester with her first baby. Worst thing that happened was she was put on a bed rest a few times. Keeping the faith!

  2. I am full of empathy for you. Maybe this is the intro to parenthood… being terrified on a regular basis re: survival of our young. Mostly just hoping the next 24 hours goes by quickly for you.

  3. There is no way to lose the worry but it does get a little less with each milestone that you cross. I’m sending you calm and cool, and lots of good wishes for tomorrow’s scan.

  4. The fear sucks big time. I was never comforted when people would tell me it’s not uncommon to bleed/spot throughout a totally healthy pregnancy… But it’s true. One more of life’s shitty challenges. Sending you happy thoughts. I wish you a restful sleep tonight. Xx

  5. I’m sorry hun. It must be so emotionally taxing to constantly be stressed like this. I remember when I spotted for almost a week, I had pretty much convinced myself that I was miscarrying. It went away after I stopped working. I know that’s not always feasible, and that there’s no proof that work can directly cause the bleeding, but that’s just sorta what happened with me. I hope it goes away for good. Hugs. Hang in there.

  6. It seems many have given you very positive feedback. I agree with all of them. Bleeding in pregnancy is very scary but it can also be perfectly normal. You may have an SCH (very common) and if that’s the case, you’ll likely bleed occasionally until your body absorbs it. It will also probably be visible on your ultrasound. Big hugs and hoping for the best for you! I have a really good feeling about your pregnancy 🙂

  7. The best thing to do is to think that the blood is nothing. We freaked out too (naturally!) when Callie started bleeding, a lot, and it was this weird gritty kind of texture. Doc said, twin pregnancy creates about 60% more blood, and lots of times, there isn’t anywhere for it to go but out. Even a singleton produces 40% more blood and again same concept. It’s funny, because a lot of the symptoms you are having are pretty parallel to what Callie was feeling. We’ll never stop worrying. This first trimester is MADNESS because anything can happen, but it sounds like everything that’s happening at the moment could very well be nada…at least, I’m hoping it is…I’ll be praying for your tiny human and for you and catch to have some peace of mind through this whole ordeal…thinking out you guys…

  8. Wow you and I are going through exactly the same thing. My doctor and IVF coordinator keep telling me that bleeding is completely normal, red and brown, and it’s “nothing to be worried about.” I’m so sorry you’re so stressed out. It’s true what you say about the anxiety- once you babe something real to lose it’s even scarier. By the time you read this you’ll probably have had your scan. Are you six weeks already? Mine is tomorrow and I just wish I could speed up time until then. Sending you a hug!

    • No, I’m only 5-ish weeks. My doctor informed me today that she wanted to do an early scan because of her twin suspicions. Funny they didn’t mention that when they scheduled the scan!

      It’s crazy because no matter how many times people tell me that the bleeding is probably no big deal–or no matter how many times I tell myself–I just can’t help worrying about it. It’s so hard to turn the worry off!

      I hope tomorrow is here before you know it! Hugs right back at you! I will be keeping my fingers crossed for an abundance of good news tomorrow!

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