Best Thanksgiving Ever

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the states. I’m not a fan of the roots of this particular holiday, but I am a fan of any excuse to get family together and cook.

This year, we have so much to be thankful for. More than ever before.

Two babies. Two heartbeats.

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Baby A was thumping away at 126 bpm, and Baby B was close behind at 123 bpm. Both are measuring on track.

As they handed me our ultrasound photos, my hands were shaking so badly I could hardly grab hold of them. Our nurse was squealing and our RE hugged me. I may have cried. Repeatedly.

It’s a happy, happy day. We are so grateful and excited. (And terrified, but I’m trying to keep that in the backseat for now.)

Twins. It’s official.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Quiet

I’m feeling pretty quiet right now. Mostly because 90% of the time I feel like if I open my mouth I’m going to be sick, and the other 10% of the time I am too busy shoving food into my mouth to talk. It’s a very contradictory dynamic.

I remember sitting here sometime early last week wishing for some pregnancy symptoms. Wish granted. I am not a violent person, but I would like to go back to the me of a week ago and give her a good hard kick in the shin.

I’m not really complaining, though. It isn’t fun, but there is certainly some peace of mind in every sip of room temperature ginger ale. (This is my favorite–it actually tastes like ginger.)  I am hoping for even more peace of mind at tomorrow’s ultrasound. Nothing would make me more grateful this Thanksgiving than a heartbeat (or two).

Speaking of two, I haven’t yet wrapped my head around the whole twin thing. I know I won’t feel like it’s real until/unless we hear two heartbeats this week. Right now, the idea of twins is just floating around in my head causing total panic at completely inopportune moments—like 3 am when I wake up to use the bathroom and then toss and turn for a few hours trying to figure out how on earth we will be able to afford to put two babies in day care. Catch says we’ll find a way, but at 3 am all I can see is our future family of 4 + 2 dogs living in a tent in my mother’s back yard. Fortunately, it has only snowed in Los Angeles twice in my lifetime.

It’s not that I’m not excited. I’m just also scared. And I’m kind of upset with myself for being so scared about everything. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy it and not worry about things like miscarriage and finances. I’d like to start knitting a baby hat or two without fear of jinxing everything. (I know—totally irrational—still can’t help it.) Catch is pinning twin things on Pinterest and my mother is looking at houses and talking mortgages, and I’d like to just curl up in a corner under a blanket with my fingers in my ears and make it all go away for a little while. Maybe it’s just too much, too soon, but can you even say that after spending the last 21 months focused on starting a family?  Too soon?  The me of two months ago would probably love to give me another good kick to the shin for that one.

The Next Jay Z

Have I ever mentioned how our donor’s headline on his profile was, “The Next Jay Z”?  Fortunately, I see beyond headlines.  Also, I have a hard time imagining a redheaded, blue eyed white boy to be anything even remotely Jay Z.  This unfortunate headline was some poor cryobank copywriter’s idea of funny.  Apparently, our donor can rap, and apparently, the cryobank has never heard of Vanilla Ice.

Anyway, one of the nurses who is usually in the room with me for my scans was cracking Jay Z jokes this morning.  I think it’s hilarious that she even remembers that I mentioned that about our donor, because it must have been at least 6 months ago.

So, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to the (hopefully) future offspring of The Next Jay Z:

Baby A

Baby A

And Baby B (for Beyonce, perhaps?)

Baby B

Holy shit, there are two of them.  High fives to all of you who called it–Catch included!

At 5 weeks, 4 days, Baby A already has a yolk sac to show off.

Baby B isn’t ready to show us a yolk sac yet, but the doctor wasn’t concerned.  She told us that seeing one this early is kind of a bonus and that she doesn’t count on it.  Next week’s scan will give us more information, and we’ll have a much better idea as to whether Baby B plans to stick around.

As for the bleeding, the doctor speculates that it’s courtesy of the suppositories (which is what I’ve been trying to tell myself all along), so depending on today’s blood work, we’re going to explore increasing the dose of PIO and decreasing the suppositories.

I am in shock.  Complete shock.  If I didn’t have to work today, chances are good you’d find me paralyzed on my couch muttering “holy shit” over and over again.

Don’t get me wrong–I am grateful.  So grateful.  I am relieved that we had ANYTHING to see on the screen today, let alone TWO somethings.  I’m just–well–I mean, there’s TWO.  Holy shit.

Red used to be my favorite color.

It’s not anymore.

I am less than 24 hours out from our first scan and the damn bleeding is back. It’s actually a bit heavier this time. Still spotting—not a “flow”—but it’s more than enough to freak me out (again). I made it all week last week without any bleeding, so I really thought it was behind me. I absolutely didn’t expect to see it again.

I can’t even tell you how much I hate this part. It is absolutely terrifying. One minute, I am so sure that everything is going to be okay and then wham—reality check. I’d really like to spend the rest of today beneath a rock somewhere.

I don’t know why I thought this would be the easy part. It seemed like failed IUIs, IVF, and uterine polyps were the hard part, but no. The minute I saw two lines on that pregnancy test, I started worrying like I have never worried before. Before, all we had to lose was a dream (and our savings account). Now we have an actual, tiny little thing to lose. It’s so different.

I am trying really hard to have faith that this is nothing. My betas were high. My progesterone looked great on Friday. I’m just not very good at the whole “faith” thing. I need proof. Give me something concrete to work with. I wish I could be one of those people who can just believe, but I don’t seem to have that in me. All I can do is hope. It’s not a lot, but it’s all I’ve got.

Note to Self: Bring Snacks

Oh my… what a weekend. I could sure use a real one now just to sleep.

My sister in law flew in on Friday evening, and we had a late dinner with Catch’s cousin and aunt. It was after 10 when we left the restaurant, which is already past my bed time these days.

On Saturday at noon, we attended the big Catholic wedding where I came completely unraveled at the seams. The ceremony was nice, although I must say that there is nothing quite like sitting on a hard wooden church pew for an hour with an ass that is already sore courtesy of daily progesterone injections. I was wishing I’d brought a pillow, although I imagine that would have been difficult to explain.

We headed to the reception around 1:15. I was STARVING. I meant to pack myself a few little snacks in my purse, but I totally spaced when we left the house. They had a few appetizers out for the cocktail hour, but it was mostly cold cut sandwiches, which are off limits to me for the next 35 weeks. By 2:30 when the bridal party finally entered the reception, the appetizers were gone. I was still starving, but I figured they’d feed us soon. THEY DID NOT SERVE DINNER UNTIL ALMOST 5 PM. Then, my table was the last to be called to the buffet line, so I got to watch as everyone else in the hall loaded up their plates and sat down to eat. MISERY, folks. It was pure misery. I have never been to a wedding where people had to sit around for hours and hours before they were fed.

The side effect to having a bar open for hours before you feed anyone is that everyone is trashed before dinner is served. Catch’s family is a drinking family. They were posing for pictures with a bottle of Jack Daniels.  You can imagine how much fun it is to be the sober introvert at the table with a bunch of loud, outgoing drunk people. It was even worse because the music was so loud (even during dinner) that it was impossible to hear anyone. By 6:30, I was DONE. I was uncomfortable (sore ass in a wooden folding chair for 5+ hours) and exhausted. My hormones were RAGING. I went from zero to BITCH in the blink of an eye, and the next thing I knew I was outside screaming at my wife demanding the car keys so I could go home. We got into a huge fight, and I’m not even sure what it was all about. I did leave for a while but came back later to pick up Catch and my SIL.

Seriously though. Noon wedding. 1 pm reception. No food until 5? They didn’t even cut the cake until after 6 pm. It was the never ending reception! Half of the crowd left right after dinner, and we hadn’t even seen the first dance or anything yet. UGH. Someone needs lessons in event planning. (Granted, I may be a bit of a snob because I have a fair amount of event planning experience.)

Early Sunday morning, I had a horrible dream that involved my belly swelling to the size of a blimp in 5 seconds flat as I gushed blood. I had been saving my last digital pregnancy test with the weeks estimator for reassurance in a weak moment. I fully expected to be able to see a 3+ given that my betas were so high last week, but the damn thing only gave me a 2-3. Of course, that sent me into a total tailspin because despite being exhausted and hungry (which could mean nothing), I still have no pregnancy symptoms at all.

I am trying not to stress about it. My first date with the dildocam is on Wednesday morning. In the meantime, there is absolutely nothing I can do to change anything that’s happening with my body, and I have no choice but to just go with the flow. There is no use worrying about things that are beyond my control. All I can say is that if the universe would consider sending a little bit of breast tenderness my way, I’d be grateful. That or just let me sleep until 8:45 on Wednesday.

That was a very long-winded way of saying that this weekend was UGH. I hope yours was better!

Waiting Again

I feel like I’ve spent this whole week waiting on edge for the results of one blood test or another. Surprisingly, I am more anxious about the results of this morning’s progesterone test than I was for Wednesday’s beta. I would really like to have something to show for my poor sore rear end. I don’t think double digits are too much to ask.

Hey universe—can we add a few points to that meager 8.5? I would be much obliged.

My sister in law is flying in tonight from Colorado and staying with us for the weekend so we can all attend a big family wedding tomorrow. A big, Catholic family wedding. In a church. With a priest. My favorite kind. <— Note sarcasm. I am tired just thinking about it. Think anyone will notice if I nap during the mass?

Fortunately, we told my SIL about our positive test right away, so I don’t need to feel awkward when she’s here with us. She has known all along that we’ve been trying, and Catch deserved to have someone who is not stressing over test results to be happy with. At least that means I don’t have to hide the suppositories that are in the refrigerator—or the needles and the sharps container.

I am still having a really hard time believing that I’m pregnant. It’s totally surreal. I can’t wrap my head around it. I’m sure it will sink in a bit better when we see what’s going on in there at Wednesday’s scan. In the meantime, I am going to just keep reminding myself that this is absolutely real.  I’m also trying to keep myself from waiting for the other shoe to drop.

P.S. For the past few days, I have been RAVENOUS. I eat, and then I am hungry again less than 2 hours later. It’s 10:30, and I am contemplating eating part of my lunch. I expected nausea, but is hunger a “thing” this early? This is getting a bit ridiculous!

Beta #2

Just to refresh your memory, beta #1 was 617 at 11dp5dt.

Beta #2 is 2498 at 13dp5dt.

That’s a doubling time of 23.79 hours, which seems a bit high?  No?

So that’s good news. Right?

The bad news is that despite my 3x a day suppositories and every 3rd day injection of PIO, my progesterone is only 8.5.  No bueno.  That’s scary low.

So, to deal with that, we’re increasing injections to once a day, and I’m still doing the suppositories 3x a day.  Repeat blood work on Friday morning.  First scan a week from today.

My nurse said not to freak out because sometimes the body just doesn’t like the suppositories.  Her exact words, “The injection will do the job, trust me.”  I really have no choice but to trust her.

Now please fall all over yourselves telling me that it’s going to be okay.

Killing Time

I am trying to kill some time while I sit here waiting for the results of Beta #2. Let me tell you a little bit about my day so far:

  1. First thing this morning, I got to pay $250 for the pleasure of having my lab work done.
  2. Second thing this morning, I got to pay another $250 for a one month supply of progesterone.
  3. We are attending a wedding on Saturday night. I bought a black dress with a few gold sequins on it—just enough to give it some sparkle. I figured it’s perfect because it can double as my dress for my company’s holiday party next month. Then I learned that the wedding is actually at noon. I cannot wear a black dress with gold sequins to a noon wedding. I really need to find another dress, except—see items 1 & 2 above—it’s not really the best time for shopping. Sigh. How do I have no fall/winter daytime dresses? Everything that fits since I lost weight is a spring/summer dress or an evening dress. Damn it. The last fall wedding I attended was my own, and I certainly can’t wear that
  4. I don’t think this blog post is going to kill the next 4 hours of my beta wait. Disappointing.
  5. I feel absolutely fine. No pregnancy symptoms beyond the very mild cramps I’ve had intermittently for the past week(ish). No sore boobs. No nausea. I’m not even peeing more than usual. I wish I could just sit here and appreciate that I feel perfectly fine instead of questioning whether it means something. I suspect that I’ll feel better once the vampires give me a status on that blood.
  6. That said, I’m a tiny bit anxious about today’s beta, but nowhere near the level of anxious that I was on Monday. For the first time in a very long time, I have a feeling that everything is going to be okay. When have you ever heard me say that? (I am knocking on SO MUCH wood right now.  So much.)
  7. I am completely ashamed of how many pictures of pregnancy tests I have on my cell phone. I haven’t taken one since Monday, but man… if someone were to pick up my phone and start flipping through photos, they would think I need psychiatric help. They might not be wrong, actually.  I can’t seem to bring myself to delete them.  Help.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day. I cannot thank you enough for your well wishes and support. Your comments have a way of calming me down when no one else can. Maybe because I know that you know. I am sending abundant wishes for patience, endurance, and peace to all of you.

Beta!

Our beta at 11dp5dt is…

617.

I am happy and relieved and excited and a bit terrified and I feel like I’m going to throw up.  I can’t even think of what else to say.  Just–wow.