One Year

This time last year, we were starting our first clomid cycle. It’s been such a long year. Looking back at everything my mind and body have been through over the past 12 months, it’s no wonder I’ve been struggling. Who wouldn’t be?

A year ago, I could not have imagined that we’d be sitting where we are right now. Back then, I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of IVF. I didn’t really think we’d need it, and I couldn’t see how we’d ever afford it even if we did.

In the beginning, clomid felt extreme. At the moment, we have 7 cryopreserved embryos hanging out in a lab and two of them will soon take up residence in my uterus. Now who’s extreme, clomid?

It seems that fertility treatments move you conveyor-belt-style from one “I could/would never” to the next. Suddenly, you realize that in 365 days, you’ve done everything you said you couldn’t or wouldn’t ever do to try to make a baby.

We could never do IVF.

I could never give myself an injection.

I will never get used to this.

So here I sit with an empty savings account and a full sharps container trying to remember when I last felt uncomfortable about spreading my legs for a stranger. March? April? One thing is certain: No one in my RE’s office has EVER asked me if I am a natural redhead.

Happy anniversary, infertility. The traditional first anniversary gift is paper, but all I want is a divorce.  You have until next Thursday to sign the papers and get out.

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11 thoughts on “One Year

  1. It will be a year for us in January. I told my wife today that if our first IUI had worked, we would have a baby now. I totally agree that I never would have thought we would need to do IVF. I’ll be where you are in a month! Even with all of the frustration of the past year, I have a great feeling about it! For both of us!

  2. I totally feel ya. I never thought that we would still be babyless two years later, let alone 6 awesome blastocysts not working out. I hope your luck changes soon, and that divorce is finalized 😉

  3. Amen! So much for my *natural* iui & childbirth babies! I didn’t even like the idea of using a trigger before. Now ivf#2 with icsi?! Infertility makes us try pretty much anything. Congrats on your upcoming divorce! 🙂

  4. This post is great! All those, “Chilllllll! I am NOT ever going to do that!” all went out the window when those babies weren’t happening. Who needs a wedding and a house or a retirement fund anyway right? No point in those with no babies to share it with. So you suck it up, write some more checks, insert some more needles, spread those legs for what you hope is the last time and realize quickly that it’s not, and keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best. And i literally LOL’d at the redhead thing..Callie said the same thing!!!!

  5. Love your writing. We are attempting our first ever IUI cycle this month. Reading the blogs of you ladies who have been trying for a long time is scary at this beginning point of our journey, but also inspiring. Your strength shines through your words.

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