I feel like if I drink enough water, all of these needle marks are going to turn me into a sprinkler. Does your lawn need water? I’m happy to pop by.
Fortunately, there will be no needles today. Tonight, I will not have to jump up at 8 pm to mix vials. It’s mostly nice, but I’d be lying if I said that no part of me would like to rewind a couple of days and just stay there. There was so much less intense than here. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.
The Circle + Bloom meditations were working great for the first days of my cycle, but it’s become harder and harder to focus as the days go on. She mentions my ovaries, and it sets off a chain of what ifs in my mind. She asks me to think about parts of my body that need some extra help, and I am instantly lost trying to decide which part of my body should get the assistance of my deep breathing first. By the time I’ve made a decision, she’s moved on.
Perhaps meditation is not my thing. Perhaps sleeping pills, chocolate and wine are more my style. (Oh, and they are!) Unfortunately, with sleeping pills and wine both off of the table for a (long) while, I am left battling with my brain while trying to focus on energy fields and deep breaths.
It seems like each step of IVF grows increasingly more intense from here on out.
Will they get enough mature eggs at retrieval tomorrow?
Will they fertilize? How many?
Will they make it to Day 3? Will they make it to Day 5?
Will there be any left to freeze?
Will this work?
I am so fortunate to have the support of my wife and my mom throughout this process. Catch, in particular, has been amazing. This hasn’t been easy for her, but she has been there holding my hand and stabbing me with needles every step of the way. Last night as we crawled into bed, she took my hand and told me how excited she is. There’s something so comforting in knowing that she’s excited. It’s exactly the reassurance I needed.
My mom is excited, too. She told me she has a really good feeling about this one. She probably doesn’t realize that she’s said that about every attempt to date, but I’m not going to hold it against her.
I got to have lunch with an old friend today, which was such a welcome distraction… and also vaguely depressing because it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other. Somehow, her daughter has grown from the chubby little monkey I used to toss around in the swimming pool and bake cookies with into a tween who just got her period and started shaving under her arms. WHERE DOES THE TIME GO?
If the next 18 hours could fly by as quickly as the last 7 years seem to have, I’d really appreciate it.
We check in for egg retrieval at 8 am tomorrow.
Please let this work.