The sun will come out… Uh… When, exactly?

We officially kick off our IVF cycle tomorrow at 4 o’clock. I am ashamed to admit that I’m feeling very indifferent to it. I’m more excited to be done with birth control pills than I am to be starting IVF. I’m usually pretty good at sorting out my feelings, but I’m struggling with this. I feel like it would be acceptable to say that I’m scared or nervous or anxious—but indifferent? That’s just not right.

Yesterday, Catch and I were trying to plan a visit with her aunt in a couple of weeks, but we were on different pages. I said August, but she thought I said September. So we’re talking and I told her it would be awkward to have to bring the arsenal of injectable meds to her aunt’s house—plus some of it has to be refrigerated. Catch said, “But you’ll be pregnant—won’t we be done with the injectable stuff?”

She said it so casually. There was no uncertainty. No question. I don’t know how she does it. I wish I could be so sure.

The truth is that I cannot see this working. That’s not to say that I see it failing. I just can’t see. I can’t imagine myself pregnant next month any more than I can imagine having to pick up the pieces after a failed cycle. I try to envision something—anything—and all I get is a blank wall.

I feel like something is wrong with me. Like this inability to see a light at the end of the tunnel is setting us up for failure. If I don’t believe in it, how will it happen?

I would like nothing more than to blame the birth control pills and the metformin for this emotional black hole. I know my body has been through the ringer these past months. Clomid, follistim, hcg, progesterone, birth control, metformin—surely that all takes a toll, right? Is it unreasonable to hope that this fog will lift in the days following my last dose of birth control?

There are so many women out there in blog land who are preparing for their IVF cycles with such radiating positivity. I want so badly to be one of them. Instead, I’m pretty much just radiating exhaustion.

13 thoughts on “The sun will come out… Uh… When, exactly?

    • I am so glad it’s not just me!!! That makes me feel so much better. We’re almost there. I hope we both find some light once we scrap the dang BCPs!

  1. I couldn’t imagine being pregnant – really, I couldn’t. Similar to you, that didn’t mean I felt doomed to failure, just that I couldn’t envision a double lined pregnancy test or a positive beta or whatever else I thought I should imagine. When you’ve never seen those things, when you’re so far from the first imagining you had of them, it makes sense that they wouldn’t be conjurable at will. But you know, your attitude *does NOT* dictate the outcome of this, so you feel however you feel and don’t double down on yourself by feeling guilty about how you feel. You HAVE been through a lot, and while I hope the absence of the devil’s pills makes the fog lift, don’t beat up on yourself if you remain indifferent. It might not last, and even if it does, it’s really ok.

  2. I never imagine myself as pregnant. Even going through the fertility treatments doesn’t solidify that it could happen. It feels like any other routine in life that I do without a care of “what next.” If I ever get pregnant again I’m convinced I won’t believe it actually happened. What does one do with themselves when all the appointments stop and you actually have a bun in the oven?!

  3. As you know, I’ve been in a similar place lately. I used to be able to imagine myself pregnant, but that’s just gone. I can’t imagine any of the next few cycles working and I refuse to think much further out than that. But thankfully my Lady keeps me grounded by reminding me that if attitude were everything, there would be hardly any unwanted pregnancies. Also it’s science, and the awesome thing about science is that it will be what it is whether or not you believe in it. So don’t feel guilty.
    I know that’s harder than it sounds. :/ I’m still working on it.

  4. I would imagine an IVF cycle feels so high stakes that after the journey most women have gone through to get to this point they have run the gambit of emotion. The hope and faith of going into the IVF cycle is countered by the uncertainty and fear, which just leaves you with ambivalence. Wishing you much luck and I hope joy and excitement find their way to you.

  5. I haven’t been on all the hormones but I do know that this whole TTC journey is hard and some/most days I am just so very tired of all of the struggles. Some days its very hard to imagine anything positive at all happening. But then I decide that it just has to at some point. Seriously -at some point something has to go right!

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