Handle with Care

Over the past few days, I’ve convinced myself that I’m handling our latest BFN really well. I’ve moved on! We’re making plans for the next cycle! No big deal! Tra la la!

Today, it is pretty clear to me that I am full of it. I’m not exactly a disaster, but I’m sure not tra la la-ing. I feel pretty raw and fragile. There’s a bit too much going on, and my coping mechanisms are stretched a bit too thin.

Here’s what this week has thrown at me on top of another delay at motherhood:

  1. The IVF price tag. Obviously, I knew this in advance because we discussed it before our last cycle, but in order to proceed with IVF starting THIS cycle, we need to hand over a gazillion dollars and 10% of the future earnings from any children resulting from said IVF by CD 3. Today is CD 1. Since Saturday is not a regular business day, that means tomorrow. No big deal. Let’s just say that in order to make this happen, my mother has decided to finance 2/3 of her potential future grandchild herself. We are sitting here right now trying to coordinate getting such a large amount of money from her business checking account to her personal checking account to MY personal checking account in time for the check to clear. Also? The thought of GAMBLING (that’s really what it is, no?) with this amount of money is FREAKING ME OUT. I would not play this hand in Vegas. How can something be both rational and irrational simultaneously?
  2. I SCREWED UP THE FAMILY VACATION! Yay, me! We had plans to go camping next week with my parents and my brother. 5 adults & 3 dogs in the cool, shady woods by a lake and a river for 5 days. We’ve been planning it for over a month. Except guess who accidentally reserved an ADA accessible campsite that we are not allowed to occupy without a disabled person??? ME! In addition to the bank scrambling going on, I have also been scrambling all day to find us SOMEWHERE ANYWHERE PLEASE to go next week. It’s finally settled. The solution is not ideal, but at least it’s a place to go. If everyone is miserable, at least I will be off the hook for planning any future family vacations.
  3. Actually, I think that’s it. But I swear it’s a lot. Way too much uncertainty for one week. I am done. Screw you, drama. I cannot handle you anymore. The universe is driving and I am just along for the ride. Either we crash & burn or we don’t. If we ever do successfully bring a child into this world, it had better be the most well behaved baby on the planet because it has already given me its lifetime quota of grey hairs and I AM A REDHEAD, damnit.

14 thoughts on “Handle with Care

  1. Don’t worry about the camping thing. Worse comes to worse – you and Catch can have a staycation.

    Congrats on finding a generous benefactor for IVF 🙂 I’m happy and excited for you! .

    • Thank you! I feel like I need to make her some kind of blog plaque or something. “This IVF made possible through the extraordinary generosity of Molly’s Mom.” LOL

  2. You have some humor through all the difficulties, pain and struggling. Enjoyed the read. Although only a few items.. It does sound like a lot on your plate! I’d be curious to know what other than camping or what campsite your settling on? Or/and how it works out this weekend! Hope you get the funds in time for IVF. Keep us posted

    • We were supposed to be going back up to the Tahoe area, but instead, we’ve got a lousy spot at a private campground near the south fork of the American River. It’s supposed to be 100+ all week. That river better be cool!!! (I really can’t complain since this is totally my fault!)

  3. I don’t like this post, exactly, but it’s very well articulated. Well captured. Lots of great phrasings–10% of future earnings? Comparisons to Vegas? Extra blogging points for you, transferable to IVF babydust or whatever it is kids are calling it these days. Good luck and yes, keep us posted.

  4. You’re mom is AWESOME! Her g-ma mothers day and b-day cards better be gold plated! J/k! Aside from all the craziness, looks like things are slowly gonna be working out, and that is the most exciting part. and like they say, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. You’ll have great stories to tell your little ones…

  5. What # insem was this past one? How come IVF? I’m also on the teter with it so I’m curious if others decisions to got fourth with IVF. Congrats on having such a wonderful momma, sure wish I had that luck. Hope it all pans out great for you two.

    • This was round 4 for us. It really came down to our doctor’s recommendation. She said that after 4 well-timed, medicated IUIs (3 with double inseminations), she feels like it’s time to do something different. Part of the consideration was financial, also. We’re spending $3-4,000 every IUI cycle (with double insems, so two vials of sperm each time). No insurance coverage at all. Right now, we still have some money left in savings, so it was a matter of whether we want to take that money and throw what we have into IVF, or take a gamble that round 5 will work knowing that if it doesn’t, our savings is gone and we are done. My mom has been so crazy generous, but I know there’s no way we would ever have asked her to pay for the whole thing. I wouldn’t feel right not being able to contribute reasonably significantly to the process. (If you can call 1/3 reasonably significant!)

  6. I empathize. My mother helped me put spending the money in perspective, at least it helped me. She said that if it was a child you already had, and that was the cost of a procedure to save his/her life, you could not get that money our of your account fast enough. And if the procedure didn’t work, well you would never ever regret trying. Money is just money, you can make more. You’re doing something really amazing here. Feel good about that! It’s honorable to go after what’s important. ❤

    • You are absolutely right. Those are all things we took into consideration, too. Heck, my car cost more than IVF is going to–what’s more important to me??? There’s no question that IVF wins.

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