Over the past few days, I’ve convinced myself that I’m handling our latest BFN really well. I’ve moved on! We’re making plans for the next cycle! No big deal! Tra la la!
Today, it is pretty clear to me that I am full of it. I’m not exactly a disaster, but I’m sure not tra la la-ing. I feel pretty raw and fragile. There’s a bit too much going on, and my coping mechanisms are stretched a bit too thin.
Here’s what this week has thrown at me on top of another delay at motherhood:
- The IVF price tag. Obviously, I knew this in advance because we discussed it before our last cycle, but in order to proceed with IVF starting THIS cycle, we need to hand over a gazillion dollars and 10% of the future earnings from any children resulting from said IVF by CD 3. Today is CD 1. Since Saturday is not a regular business day, that means tomorrow. No big deal. Let’s just say that in order to make this happen, my mother has decided to finance 2/3 of her potential future grandchild herself. We are sitting here right now trying to coordinate getting such a large amount of money from her business checking account to her personal checking account to MY personal checking account in time for the check to clear. Also? The thought of GAMBLING (that’s really what it is, no?) with this amount of money is FREAKING ME OUT. I would not play this hand in Vegas. How can something be both rational and irrational simultaneously?
- I SCREWED UP THE FAMILY VACATION! Yay, me! We had plans to go camping next week with my parents and my brother. 5 adults & 3 dogs in the cool, shady woods by a lake and a river for 5 days. We’ve been planning it for over a month. Except guess who accidentally reserved an ADA accessible campsite that we are not allowed to occupy without a disabled person??? ME! In addition to the bank scrambling going on, I have also been scrambling all day to find us SOMEWHERE ANYWHERE PLEASE to go next week. It’s finally settled. The solution is not ideal, but at least it’s a place to go. If everyone is miserable, at least I will be off the hook for planning any future family vacations.
- Actually, I think that’s it. But I swear it’s a lot. Way too much uncertainty for one week. I am done. Screw you, drama. I cannot handle you anymore. The universe is driving and I am just along for the ride. Either we crash & burn or we don’t. If we ever do successfully bring a child into this world, it had better be the most well behaved baby on the planet because it has already given me its lifetime quota of grey hairs and I AM A REDHEAD, damnit.