Hail Mary

The plan was for Catch to drop me off at work this morning. From there, she’d spend the day at my mom’s pool with the dogs and then she’d pick me up later.

The plan changed when Catch squeezed my hand and I started crying again on the freeway. It was decided that a mental health day is in order. It’s not going to look good if I’m weepy at my desk all day.

My RE called a little while ago. She says that given my age and what we know of my health, she gives us a 56-60% success rate with IVF. She also suggested that considering my weight loss, we could try a couple of natural cycles if we’re not ready for IVF yet.

We had discussed our options for going forward last night over a couple of teary margaritas. To IVF or not to IVF? It’s not a decision to take lightly–both for financial reasons and for health reasons–physical and mental.

We decided that if we can pull together the financial end of things, we’re going to go for it. This is our Hail Mary attempt. If IVF fails, we move onto plan B. We don’t know what plan B really looks like right now. Maybe foster/adopt. Maybe I will make peace with the idea of Catch trying to get pregnant. Maybe it will just be the two of us and a couple of dogs for the rest of our lives. Regardless, this will be my last shot to make my dream of carrying our child come true.

I never imagined that getting pregnant would be easy, but like most of you, I also never imagined it would be this hard.

I’m so scared. Terrified, even. I feel so powerless. Yesterday knocked the air out of me, and I haven’t quite recovered. We’ve been at this for eighteen months. Planning. Donor choosing. Pre-conception doctor check ups. One failed attempt. One 30-day period. Endless anovulatory cycles. PCOS diagnosis. 47 pounds lost. Clomid. Needles. Legs spread for more strangers than I can count. Three more failed attempts. I thought we’d be done by now.

I am so tired. I know many of you have been through all of this and more, and frankly, you are all rock stars. All I want to do is scream, but I don’t even have the energy for that.

Thank you for the support yesterday and all of the days before that. It helps so much to have all of these other voices chiming in alongside my own.


2 thoughts on “Hail Mary

  1. I’m so sorry that it has been so hard. I can’t imagine 18 months. I’ll be thinking of you and Catch. I wish I could magically make you pregnant from here (haha that sounds really awkward) but really if I could I would. Lots of positive energies coming your way for IVF plans.

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