The Green-Eyed Monster

I feel like a terrible person. Let’s put that out on the table first thing. I do not like who I have become since trying to start our family. I’m working on it.

That said, one of my coworkers is pregnant. Very pregnant. I don’t know her due date because I have avoided her as much as possible since I first heard mention of her pregnancy.   Her shower is next week. This popped up in my email inbox the other day:

shower

Oh joy.

The thing is, she doesn’t deserve my bitterness. At all. I know she’s been through fertility treatments, and although I don’t know for sure, I am reasonably certain that this baby is an IVF baby. I know she had some trouble conceiving her first child as well. She’s been through the ringer, and I (of all people!) should be happy for her. Hell, I should be happy for her REGARDLESS of what she went through to conceive this baby.  I’ve got to let this go.

Somehow, though, it’s worse with her. She’s done with the pills and the injections and whatever else. It worked for her. “All” she has to worry about now is delivering a healthy baby. I am jealous beyond belief, and I want nothing more than to throw an epic tantrum and ditch her shower.

Will I be in any shape to sit merrily through a baby shower on Tuesday? No. I will be one week into my two week wait. I’ll probably be a mess.  I know she’d understand if I dropped by her office with a gift and bowed out gracefully. We only talk in passing—usually in the restroom—but she knows I’m trying to get pregnant. We’ve made quiet jokes to each other about pills and needles and checkbooks. I have to go, though. I know I do. It’s the right thing to do.

So, I will suck it up and put on my big girl panties. I will bring one of the hand knit baby hats that all of the women here have come to expect for their babies, and I will try not to wonder when the hell it’s going to be my turn to sit at the front of the room demonstrating onesies on my belly.

I’d better get to knitting that hat.

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8 thoughts on “The Green-Eyed Monster

  1. That’s completely normal. I’m glad that at my current job, if I do get knocked up, nobody will throw me a shower (there is exactly one other female in the entire office). I see those as more appropriate as family/friend things. But then again, I tend to strive for a very private life.

    • Oh man, I’m jealous! I work in an office that’s predominantly female and we average 2-3 showers a year. They were fun back when I wasn’t anywhere close to being ready for a kid (I’ve worked here for 14 years), but the past couple of years have been brutal.

  2. I’ve had to attend 3 baby showers this summer and it’s been torturous to say the least. Putting your big girl panties on really sucks in this case. Bring the hat, make an appearance, and get the hell out. The strategy has been working for me. Sending positive thoughts your and Catch’s way.

  3. When we were TTC everyone just kept getting pregnant and I would semi-jokingly complain to my spouse about it. And she would always respond with “when you get pregnant you can post about it on Facebook and someone else will be jealous.” Not that I wanted anyone to feel that way b/c I’m sensitive to that, but the smug, “bitchy” side of me appreciated the sentiment. So I’ll leave you with that lol. Also, when you do get pregnant it will be your first so you’ll get a real shower not a “sprinkle” and she’ll get you a really nice present b/c she will be uber excited for you and know exactly what you’ll need.

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