The reality of this cycle just hit me like a ton of bricks. Prior to this morning, I’ve been flitting around in la la land oblivious to any feelings at all. I’d love to just go back to that state of oblivion.

Today is CD 10. I took my last round of clomid on Friday night and what should have been my last follistim injection yesterday. I went in for my follow up ultrasound this morning and the results were about as ho hum as they get. I have one follicle measuring 21, two more at a measly 13, and one at 11. The 21 is really our only contender.

The doctor wants me to trigger tonight at 10 pm. We’ll follow with inseminations tomorrow at 4 pm and Wednesday at 10 am. I had planned to go straight to work after my appointment, but she sent me home to give myself one more follistim injection ASAP in the hopes that maybe it will boost those 13s a bit.

I started crying on my way home. I cried again once I was there. None of this feels right to me, but then I’m reminded that it didn’t work even when EVERYTHING felt right. My intuition has been off every step of the way since we started this process. I hate that. I hate this. Right now, I hate everyone and everything. I can’t even pinpoint exactly why I was crying.

I am being a total drama queen. I know I am. I should not be this upset on CD 10. It’s not as if the cycle was cancelled. There’s nothing really wrong. I’m just bummed that I didn’t respond better to the meds, and I am suddenly intensely aware of how badly I want this to work. What if it doesn’t work? What if we made the wrong call? What if we should have gone straight to IVF after my May cycle failed?


10 thoughts on “Weight

  1. First, yes, you will feel crazy because they super loaded you with drugs! Either of those alone are enough to mess with your emotions. Both at once? I’m so sorry! So, with the drugs, this can easily throw off your intuition. Then again, it may be telling you that this is unnecessary. Why the insistence on two eggs? You only need one. I worry the doctor is being too aggressive which is shutting your body down in the process.

    What helped me most was going to an amazing intuitive healer. She figured out my tubes were just a bit too small. not blocked, but it slowed things down enough to prevent implantation in time. Once we cleared that up, and a being that wasn’t supposed to be around, and pregnancy was easy. It took two tries, but only because the first try wasn’t developing properly.

    See how this goes. If it doesn’t go well, that’s ok. Listen to what your body wants and fight for that. If it doesn’t want both meds, don’t do them. I don’t recall what you did before, but my body was happier with the shots than with clomid. It might be all you need. And we triggered at 18mm and never had problems with our timing. It was a simple 36 hour wait from the trigger to insemination. I have the positive to prove that system works. That’s the standard at my RE office so it works for them. Every doc has their methods, but if it isn’t working for you, they should be willing to try other things. Or try a new doctor.

    Just hang in there through the hormones. They are truly insane. 😉

    • The hormones are freaking NUTS! LOL

      My head knows that all we need is one. It’s my heart that seems to be throwing temper tantrums. We trigger tonight and then we inseminate at 18 and 36 hours. We opted or two because we had the vials there already. This will be our last shot at IUI, so we may as well use the last of the washed vials.

      • Gotcha. That probably isn’t a bad idea given you’re already at 21. You might ovulate early. I actually had one at 23 once! That was mind blowing to me. lol I worried it would drop early, but it was fine. 🙂

        Just keep breathing. That’s all you can do through the hormones. I think if you keep your stress level reasonable, the hormones are actually easier during pregnancy. So far.

  2. You made the best decision in the moment for yourself and whatever happens this go around doesn’t change that. If you have to cry, cry. The emotions are going to surface one way or another. I always found it helpful to throw a little pity party, sometimes it was the only way to move forward afterward.

  3. It sounds really rough. I’m sitting out a few cycles (maybe October we’ll try again? At the earliest), and honestly, I find the lack of stress to be wonderful. I’m not second guessing the timing of my OPK/temp rise.

    I look forward to after we (hopefully) are able to have our kidlet, then I won’t need to worry about ovulation ever again.

    I’m going to keep my fingers double-crossed for you this cycle, even if it means I need to dislocate a couple joints. 🙂

    • That’s how I felt last month! It was so nice not to be worrying about this stuff. Especially on vacation. I long for the day when I never have to pee on another stick!!!! Thank you for the finger crossing. We need it!!!

  4. I just read your blog pretty much from January 2014- now. I totally understand everything you’re going through because my partner went through it as well. From Jan 2013-just recently, it was try after try after try. But good things come to those who wait. Believe me! Keeping my fingers crossed for you and am sending prayers…GL!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s