The reality of this cycle just hit me like a ton of bricks. Prior to this morning, I’ve been flitting around in la la land oblivious to any feelings at all. I’d love to just go back to that state of oblivion.
Today is CD 10. I took my last round of clomid on Friday night and what should have been my last follistim injection yesterday. I went in for my follow up ultrasound this morning and the results were about as ho hum as they get. I have one follicle measuring 21, two more at a measly 13, and one at 11. The 21 is really our only contender.
The doctor wants me to trigger tonight at 10 pm. We’ll follow with inseminations tomorrow at 4 pm and Wednesday at 10 am. I had planned to go straight to work after my appointment, but she sent me home to give myself one more follistim injection ASAP in the hopes that maybe it will boost those 13s a bit.
I started crying on my way home. I cried again once I was there. None of this feels right to me, but then I’m reminded that it didn’t work even when EVERYTHING felt right. My intuition has been off every step of the way since we started this process. I hate that. I hate this. Right now, I hate everyone and everything. I can’t even pinpoint exactly why I was crying.
I am being a total drama queen. I know I am. I should not be this upset on CD 10. It’s not as if the cycle was cancelled. There’s nothing really wrong. I’m just bummed that I didn’t respond better to the meds, and I am suddenly intensely aware of how badly I want this to work. What if it doesn’t work? What if we made the wrong call? What if we should have gone straight to IVF after my May cycle failed?