I’ve been blessed with pretty good instincts. My gut feeling is usually both loud and right. That’s why the position I’m in right now is so hard for me. Someone hit the mute button on my instincts, and my intellect is running in circles. It’s making me positively batty.
We met with my RE yesterday afternoon. I got to keep my pants on for once, and it was all very civilized. Just the three of us in her office with my file between us and my (all clear) HSG results on a monitor. And of course her wall of other people’s baby pictures. God forbid their doctor egos could forgo that.
We talked about everything. She said she really thought we had it last cycle, and we told her we thought so too. We discussed my weight loss and how it really seems to be helping to regulate my cycles. We told her we’re tired of being on this ride and that we’d like to consider being more aggressive.
She said that at this stage, she’s not comfortable doing more of the same, anyway. She wants to change it up. We discussed adding injectable meds to another double IUI cycle and then we brought out the big guns and started talking IVF.
This is where I’m lost. All I can see is our dwindling savings account and our zero dollars of fertility coverage with my health insurance. I have never been much of a gambler, and it seems that’s all this is. You review the odds, place your bet and wait. It’s the only way, and the unfairness of it all is eating away at me.
Catch feels the same way I do. We’re lost.
So the question now is whether we put all of our eggs into the basket that gives us two tries with 20% odds each time or one try with 50% odds.
I’ve been trying to play that mind game with myself where you take an option off the table entirely just to see if you immediately want to yank it back. Trouble is that I yank both options back. I want it all. I don’t want to have to choose.
We have about 10 days to make our decision and a lifetime to regret it.