Hanging by a Thread

Even though we’re taking some time off from actively TTC, I’m still charting.  Yesterday, I started noticing some ovulatory symptoms, so I took an OPK and got a positive.  I woke up this morning with a stabbing pain on my right side, so I’m pretty sure the OPK knew what it was talking about this time around.

I wasn’t prepared for how sad it would make me.  Part of me wanted to call the clinic and beg them to squeeze me in for an insemination.  At the same time, I remembered that it’s Monday, which is our weigh-in day since starting Weight Watchers, and it provided enough distraction to get me out of bed. 

I was actually excited to step on the scale because I truly worked my ass off this week.  I did indulge on Thanksgiving, but I kept myself in control, and I tracked every last drop.  We went out to dinner on Friday night with Catch’s family and I did the same.  I exercised like a mad woman, stepping up the intensity of my workouts all week. 

I moved the scale into the kitchen and settled it squarely on the kitchen floor (the most level surface in our house).  I stepped on and waited. 

I gained a pound.

I moved the scale all over the house, and consistently got the same number.  Eventually, I gave up, sat down on the couch and cried.

Catch, who has been stealing bits of chocolate cake form the fridge since Wednesday, lost enough that she won’t even tell me how much.

I went back to bed and cried some more. 

I know it’s just one week.  One lousy weigh-in.  I know there could be other factors at play, and I hope to god there are because if I have to work this hard just to GAIN weight, I might as well throw in the towel now.

I needed to see a smaller number on the scale this morning.  A reminder that I’m on the right track.  That this will pay off.  That all of the meal planning and grocery shopping and cooking and declined lunches with friends and miles on the treadmill are worth it because they’re moving me closer to the most important goal I’ve ever had in my life… motherhood. 

Instead, I’m left feeling like a deflated balloon and looking like an over-inflated one. 

Score one for the universe. Way to kick me when I'm down.

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