My sister in law is in town from Colorado this week with her husband and their two dogs.  The plan is for us all to spend the weekend at my in-laws new place a few hours south of here.  6 adults and 4 dogs under one roof all weekend.

I have a few concerns about the togetherness.  My in-laws don’t know that we’ve been trying to get pregnant, and since it has been the primary focus of our lives for months, that’s tough.  I am not a good secret keeper, and keeping this particular secret has made me a shadow of my former self when I’m around them.  I don’t know what to talk about anymore.  I’ve become very reclusive around groups of people lately in general.  I find myself observing rather than participating.  I’ve been very caught up in what’s going on inside my head, and my head really just wants to be left alone in the corner with some knitting and an audiobook. 

I know my hormones are partially to blame, but I also blame my own shortsightedness.  I really never thought that I wouldn’t be pregnant by now, and it hit me like a ton of bricks this month.  My body has let me down.  I’ve let my body down.  I’ve lost all enthusiasm for this process.  More than anything, I just want to close my eyes and wake up in the spring with a new outlook on life.  Instead, I’m going to plaster a fake smile on my face and act as if all is right with the world.

There’s also the drinking.  This is a drinking family.  When we’re all together like this (which is not often), it’s mimosas in the morning, beer by lunch and cocktails with dinner.  That’s just how they are, and I have always been a willing participant.  Until now.  My MIL noticed that I wasn’t drinking at a BBQ last week and commented to Catch several times.  Normally, the only way I’d survive a weekend like this is with a cocktail (or 3) in hand.  Now I can’t even hide behind the warm glow of a bit of vodka.

I know I need to get my head in a better place before we leave tonight.  I’m going to Costco at lunch with my work BFFs.  It’s always great to combine good company with retail therapy.  Plus, I have enough weight watchers points today to have Costco frozen yogurt for lunch.  The nutritional value is zilch, but it’ll make me happy and I deserve that bit of happiness, damnit.


One thought on “Secrets

  1. Molly,
    I can’t figure out how to contact you, so I’m just leaving this here. I happened to note your remarks about PCOS, and I just feel lead to do so.
    I have PCOS. I also have two boys.
    There are Tons of resources on the internet, but right now I want you to know the, “Cliff notes..”
    -Clomid Does NOT usually work with women with PCOS
    -PCOS, at its heart, is about insulin resistance. Some women with it have gotten pregnant after taking a drug normally used to treat diabetics, called Metformin. Many women with PCOS have gotten pregnant after losing weight, but if you have PCOS that can be trickier. Look into diets that eliminate carbs and sugars-think paleo. I also recommend the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. You can find it on Amazon. This is embarrassing to admit, but I didn’t Know the signs of ovulation until I read it. I have a friend with PCOS who tried for ten years to get pregnant and conceived within a couple of months after eliminating all the sugar, gluten, and carbs.
    I’m concerned that your doctor Has you on Clomid, because it makes me wonder if he/she is up to date on PCOS research.
    Anyway, that is a ramble, but I felt lead to send you some encouragement and a little bit of learned wisdom.
    Prayers and good wishes your way, too.

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