The Pause Button

As I prepare to pop the last two clomid tablets from their packaging, I have a confession to make: My heart really isn’t in it this cycle. 

I had a long talk with Catch in the midst of last cycle about whether we’d proceed with the next round or not.  She was worried that this is my busiest time of year at work and that the added stress would be troublesome.  One of my good friends at the office said the same thing.  I was all caught up in things though, and I couldn’t imagine it all coming to a screeching halt.  I assured them both that I’d be fine.  Then, when we got our BFN last week, the only thing that made me feel better in that moment was securing my clomid and preparing for another round.

Today, I regret that decision.  Maybe not completely, but I’d be lying if I said that this was absolutely positively the best call to make.  If I didn’t already have 400 mg of clomid floating through my system, I would consider calling it all off. 

I have this gut feeling that something is off, and this cycle will be a waste.  Usually, my gut feelings are pretty spot on.  I called my doctor yesterday hoping to get in before we inseminate again, but the earliest appointment I could get was December 26th.  Clearly, I have to stop referring people to my gynecologist.  What a pain. 

Catch and I have decided that after this round we’re going to take some time off until March-ish.  We’re going to spend the time doing what we need to do to de-stress and get healthier.  Knowing that PCOS is an issue changes a lot of things, and there are lifestyle changes we can make that can help.  Psychologically, I can’t get over the significantly increased risk of miscarriage with PCOS, and I know I will blame myself if it happens and I haven’t done everything I can to try to control it.

We both re-joined Weight Watchers.  Our fridge is  stocked with broccoli and kale.  I dug out the treadmill from beneath a pile of clothes and a layer of dust and actually used the thing for the first time in months.  (Not that we’re not active—we do have 2 dogs to walk every day.)  I even have two referrals to acupuncturists, and I might just give it a shot. 

Taking a break will also give us some time to replenish the savings account a bit and to consider what direction we want to take once March does roll around.  It’s very likely that we’ll move away from PRS and find an RE.

It’s not an easy call to make.  We are SO READY to start a family.  When we first started planning all of this in February, I didn’t even consider that I might not be pregnant by the holidays, and yet here we are.  Every negative OPK since March has inched me closer to the edge of a cliff.  I’m having a hard time seeing pregnant women and babies around.  I’m bitter when someone announces a pregnancy instead of being happy for them.  This is just not me, and I don’t like it.

So, it’s time to step back and regroup.  Time to focus more on my health and less on double lines.  We’re still moving forward with this round, but after this I’m shocked to be truly looking forward to hanging up the baby making hat for a few months.

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2 thoughts on “The Pause Button

  1. It sounds like you’ve got a good plan. Good luck with this cycle, and if it doesn’t pan out I look forward to reading about your non-TTC adventures for a couple months. 🙂

  2. I’m here from Cecily’s blog, so sorry to learn you are dealing with PCOS (I navigated infertility, but not PCOS per se). My sense is that there’s pretty good evidence that metformin reduces the risk of miscarriage in women with PCOS and may also increase the prospects of conceiving; is this something your doctor has discussed (or that you know about)? I don’t mean to provide assvice, but since you don’t mention it, I just wondered if it was on your radar or not something you’d heard about/looked into.

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