Roller Coasters

I frequently have dreams about being pregnant.  Not every week, or even every month, but it’s
a noteworthy recurrence.

Usually, my dreams on the subject are shrouded in fear.  Something isn’t progressing properly. The
baby isn’t big enough.  I am 6 months
along and have no baby belly.  They’re strange,
disjointed dreams.

What’s odd is that I wake up with no sense
of the fear. I come to in that semi-conscious fuzziness wishing I could just go back
to sleep and be pregnant again.

I had a pregnancy dream the other night and all the usual
feelings that go along with it. Only this time, it feels a bit more real. 

I have an appointment with an Ob/Gyn on May 9th.  Hopefully, she will give me the all clear and
fill out the paperwork that the clinic requires to take us on.  From there, the roller coaster ride will
begin—and it may not end.  Ever.

Trying to conceive will be its own roller coaster full of
sperm banks, wishful thinking, and anxiety–of this, I am certain.  That loveliness is followed by
(we hope) pregnancy.  Followed by (we
hope) baby. Toddler. Child. Preteen. Teenager. 

It goes on and on and it scares the living daylights out of
me and Catch.  

Even so—I can’t wait to hop on and buckle in. I just need to remember that on the occasions
when I am suddenly paralyzed by fear.

I've been dreaming of this. I've been dreaming of this for so long. It's time to leave the safety of my dreams.


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